Friday, September 4, 2015

Mars vs. Pluto: Feelings...Nothing More Than Feelings...

Pluto: Yeah?

Mars: Pluto, it's Mars. Don't hang up!

Pluto: [pause] Dammit. Knew I shouldn't have picked up without knowing who it was.

Mars: Look, dude...

Pluto: Why are you calling me? The Sun put you up to this?

Mars: Yeah dude. Sorry.

[Pause]

Pluto: If the Sun told you to call me, I bet you are.

Mars: You have no idea, dude.

Pluto: Well, you deserved it. Don't be a dick and those things won't happen.

Mars: I got carried away, dude.

Pluto: [chuckles] You consider that an apology?

Mars: It's the truth. And I...I need you to come back.

[Pause]

Pluto: Why?

Mars: Because the Sun told me you had to. And you can't walk in with a chip on your shoulder.

Pluto: The mighty Mars, forced to ask for help. How entertaining.

Mars: Don't fucking jerk me around, man. Are you gonna come back or not?

Pluto: Maybe. What will you do for me?

Mars: Come on, man. Don't bust my stones.

Pluto: [laughs] I have to, dude. You earned it.

Mars: Well, I dunno...what do you want?

Pluto: You've got connections in the sports world, so maybe you can hook me up.

Mars: Name it.

Pluto: OK. I want seats behind the plate at Fenway Park for the entire opening series of the Red Sox against the Yankees next season.

Mars: Done.

Pluto: I'm not finished. I also want your list of fantasy football pix, and I want in the planetary league, with no entry fee but still eligible for prizes, for life.

Mars: Done.

Pluto: Finally, I want you to talk about your feelings in the next planetary meeting.

Mars: My WHAT?

Pluto: You heard me.

Mars: I...I don't think I can do that. How about Super Bowl tickets?

Pluto: Nope. I want you to talk about your feelings, how it felt for you to insult me. And then I want a heartfelt apology and your assurances in front of everyone that you won't verbally come after me again. That's the deal and it's not subject to negotiation. Do we have a deal, Mars?

Mars: Fuck me! That's highway robbery.

Pluto: Well, my friend, life comes down to choices. You can face the group and pour out your soul, or you can face the Sun's wrath. In other words, "Choose the form of the Destructor!"

Mars: Really, man? That's the best you can come up with? 80s movie lines?

Pluto: Is that aggression I hear in your voice? I'm sure it's not...

Mars: [sighs] Alright, dude. You win. I'll do it. Better to do that than face what the Sun had in mind.

Pluto: Which was...?

Mars: He said he would let Venus run our meetings for a year if you weren't back at meetings with a smile on your face.

Pluto: WOW. He must have hammered your ass!

Mars: Yeah, dude. A righteous ass chewing. I'm still hurting.

Pluto: You know, people say I'm the most powerful planet, but I've gotta tell you, that lady of yours was pretty amazing. And more than a little scary.

Mars: I KNOW, RIGHT? WHO KNEW??

Pluto: Considering those consequences, I think I can back off a little, but not much. No public apology, but I come to every NFL game this season at your place and I'm not paying for a thing. I want tons of wings, nachos, lemon drop shots, and margaritas.

Mars: Deal! Thanks!

Pluto: And Super Bowl tickets, the next time it's in New Orleans...it's a Scorpio town and I love it there.

Mars: Dude, I'll do anything to get out of talking about my feelings in public. Done.

Pluto: Thanks. See you for Steelers vs. Pats next Thursday night.

Mars: Got it. See you then.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Mercury's Shameless Marketing for "Free Spirit" by Jennifer Wells!

Hello everyone...John's packing for vacation, and since his lovely wife, Jennifer Wells, is one of my chosen people--GO VIRGO!!--he asked me to take over the blog for today. Thankfully I was able to get over the most recent case of "Sun-burn" I had. LOL. 

Anyway, Jennifer's got her third book coming out soon, a sequel to Magick Charm and the second book in the New Orleans Magick series. It's called Free Spirit, and the cover is below. Isn't it totally awesome??



Let's not forget the two talented artists who made this cover possible, either...Brittany Michel of Bad Carrot Studios, who is a double Virgo herself; and Samantha Harvey, an extremely talented graphic artist in her own right, who, while not ruled by me, is a Venus-ruled lady who the good lady Venus is extremely proud of. And before you ask, yes, I asked about Samantha before Venus went on retrograde...talk about planning for success!

Anyway...here's a look the plot:

Wild child Rachel is having a week so terrible, not even a pitcher of margaritas will help. When her evil boss shows up on her doorstep with a sob story, her request to stay a few nights turns into a whole lot more. She can’t even escape into some of her favorite haunts in the Quarter since she seems to have garnered the unwanted attention of some rabid readers. When her ghost-hunting assignment goes unexpectedly awry, Rachel unknowing releases a vengeful spirit.
Enduring a wicked houseguest and hiding from an over-enthusiastic fan all while trying to put a spirit back in her grave where she belongs is more challenging than sobriety during Mardi Gras. Can she and her family work some magick to put things right in the Crescent City or has Rachel bit off more veggie muffuletta than she can chew?

It's hard for me to know which one I'm going to like best, because Rachel is the one narrating this book. I love the cerebral Janie, but I love the spontaneity and metaphysical quirkiness of Rachel. Anyway, hopefully you've already purchased Magick Charm...I didn't know if you were aware that Mercury rules commerce and transactions, so please make sure that if you haven't, you do it and read it to be ready for the sequel.

I'm totally excited to see this book come out! I mean...think about it. Jennifer is smart, extremely talented, beautiful, and she's...well, married to John. So I guess three out of four is...well, it's 75% and while in most school systems that would still be a "C", the book is definitely an "A+". 

The point is that it won't be long until the release date, which is scheduled for later this year. So mark your calendars now and make sure to get your electronic copy on Kindle on Monday, October 26. (I hear rumors that paperback versions of both books will be out in time for the holidays!)

That's it from here. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but if you read one of Jennifer's books you won't care about the doctor or anything else until you're done reading the book. So go buy one for yourself and start your holiday shopping early with the gift of literacy!

Regards,

Mercury

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Mercury Slightly Singed by the Sun-Shine

Mercury: You wanted to see me, sir?

Sun: Yes, Merc. Sit down. [Mercury sits] So this is not a lecture.

Mercury: What do you mean, 'This is not a lecture'? Who would start a conversation that way? You're immediately putting that idea in my mind that it IS a lecture, and then I have to be worried about what this "non-lecture" is about. Sir, you of all people should know better than to do that to me. It's just not fair. I mean when you think about the implications that such a statement might have in the context of being here in your office I just...

Sun: [holds a hand up calmly] Merc.

Mercury: Yeah?

Sun: I just wanted to give you some information. We don't need to debate the implications of it. Actually, I was going for a lighter touch but you're making this more difficult.

Mercury: Aren't you going to close the door, sir?

Sun: No, I'm not, but I'm glad you noticed. What does that indicate to you?

Mercury: That perhaps this meeting won't be a lecture, which is what I should have known if I had taken your words at face value, sir. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, sir. Sometimes my mind trips over my brain...I mean my words trip over themselves in my brain.

Sun: You're correct, Merc. On all counts. So I have a question: Did Mars perhaps ask you for assistance in crafting a letter to John apologizing for his conduct at the meeting that ultimately caused us to not send him a gift for his anniversary?

Mercury: Sure he did, sir.

Sun: I see. [Pause] And could you tell me in detail what form that assistance might have taken?

Mercury: Well, sir, he came and told me the situation and I said that I'd help him. But he said all he needed from me was to get him started, which I did. And then he left.

Sun: So he was going to write this letter on his own after you provided some...input, right?

Mercury: Yes, sir.

Sun: To make sure I'm following...he came to you, you gave him some quote-unquote assistance, and then he left.

Mercury: That's what happened, sir.

Sun: Did Mars at any time ask you to do the work for him?

Mercury: Oh no, sir! I gave him a few writing tips and then he was out the door. It was his punishment, after all.

Sun: So tell me what you did after he left.

Mercury: After he left? Mars, you mean?

Sun: Yes. Don't tell me you don't understand what I mean.

Mercury: Well...I know what you mean, I was just asking for clarification. I...I don't really remember. I'm a little ecletic...but I watch the news, I text, I write...

Sun: Merc, did you help out Mars by writing a letter to John for him without his knowledge?

Mercury: [Pause, with a confused look] Yes, I did, but I didn't tell anyone I had done so. How did you come by this information? I mean they SAY Big Brother is watching us and all but seriously that's totally bizarre.

Sun: [smiling] You didn't expect Mars to write a letter, did you? Or was it that you were unsure that his would accomplish his desired goals?

Mercury: A little of both, sir. John deserves better than that, sir. And since I didn't say anything to stop the chaos at the meeting, I thought I could do my part by making sure John got a real apology, not one given by a caveman.

Sun: Merc, Mars did indeed send one...

Mercury: Oh shit. So John got two of them?

Sun: Yes, indeed. Mars must have infected you with something because normally you think things through.

Mercury: Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. Hope he wasn't upset.

Sun: He seemed more amused than anything else, especially because Mars doesn't write like you do. You didn't even try to disguise your writing to look like Mars'.

Mercury: Dammit.

Sun: So here's the thing: Mars did what I told him to do. But I'm going to ask you nicely to not "help" so much next time, especially since it makes it look like we don't know our asses from a hole in the ground.

Mercury: I can see that, sir. I'll make sure I reign it in next time.

Sun: Thanks, Merc. You can go now.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Shameless Marketing Alert: Upcoming Events and Schedule

Hello everyone...

You read the title so if shameless marketing offends, turn away now. This is your last warning. 

Anyway, if you're still reading this, here are some notes about upcoming events:

1) Tarot readings and charts for September

I'm going on vacation in September and have a number of other personal engagements, so my only Saturday reading tarot at 13 Magickal Moons for the month is September 5, which is Labor Day Weekend. After that day, my last September date is the community's Mabon Ritual, which is from 6-9 on Wednesday, September 23. I hope to see many of you there!

Also, if you need a phone or Skype reading soon, now would be the time to schedule it. I have a few time slots still open for the next week or so, but from September 9-27, I will be out of the office and unavailable.

Finally, I have a few more charts to finish, but I'm not taking on any more before my vacation. If you need natals or solar returns for Libra folks, let me know so I can start working on them once I return. 

2) Halloween tarot parties

OK, so Halloween is on a Saturday night this year, but even if your event isn't that evening, I have some availability for parties. They do tend to fill up fast so if you're interested in having me to read cards for you and your friends, hierophant@cox.net or 703-829-3273 are the ways to contact me. 

3) State of the Art Conference (SOTA)

I'll be speaking on "The Queens of the Tarot" at the upcoming SOTA conference this fall from October 21-25. Of course, I'll also be attending the conference and hope to see many of you there. This was an amazing event and it's held in the Buffalo metro area, so if you're local, come on out and at least check out the vendor area, which is free. There are some amazing readers coming this year and plenty of other cool stuff to buy.

4) Beginning tarot classes at 13 Magickal Moons

I've had a number of folks ask me about beginner tarot classes. They're coming around again, this time on Thursday nights starting later in the fall. 13 Magickal Moons will have the dates and times up likely in the next week. If you're interested in learning the tarot, there's no better way to start or deepen your knowledge than in this fun, safe environment.

Thanks as always for your support and patronage, and for recommending my services to others! I look forward to seeing you across my table soon!

Blessed be,

John

PS: Saturn is still a prick. Just sayin'. That is all. 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Letter to the Sun: Mysterious Correspondence, Herding Cats, and the Old Man

Dear Sir,

Thanks so much for your kind wishes. Jen and I were very pleased to receive them. Let me assure you that your kind words on the occasion of our 20th anniversary were more than sufficient, and you have our sincere gratitude for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to remember us. We visited the church where we were married to indulge in a "selfie", a word that didn't even exist when we got married, and you gave us plenty of light and warmth on both our wedding day and our visit last week, for which were extremely grateful.

I received two letters, both of which say they are from Mars, apologizing for derailing a meeting during which a gift for us was to have been decided. Receiving any letter from Mars is a rarity, but to receive two? Well, I have my doubts as to the veracity of their authorship. One definitely seems like Mars' writing style, which, while plebian, at least doesn't use single characters to replace words--like "u" for "you"--or letters for numbers, like "2" instead of "to" or "too". (The only person who can get away with that shit is His Purple Highness, Prince. But I digress.) Certain expressions seem also to pop up frequently for him, as his verbal palette, if you will, only has a few colors.

The other letter does not at all seem like it's Mars' style. It might have been Mars' intention originally, but it has been wordsmithed and edited within an inch of its life and likely has another offer. I honestly didn't think of Mars as being capable of writing a sentence with so many complex grammatical structures, especially since they were all used correctly. Mars has many fine qualities, but his writing style seems to epitomize the brutish "pound it in over and over" approach, favoring simplicity and repetition over finesse and flowing prose. Speaking personally and off the record, I can think of maybe two planets who could have pulled off such a feat. In the end, though, it doesn't matter. The intentions were made clear to me--twice over--and I appreciate the efforts that were made to ease any feelings of disappointment I might have felt.

Thanks for asking about my relationship with Saturn. The rumors about my struggle with the Old Man are true, good sir. He has been a real pain for me this summer, and I know he's not going to let up for a while. Trying to enjoy life in spite of him seems to be the best course of action. My astrology mentor has also suggested "re-structuring", which actually came at a good time considering Venus retrograde so I can do both at once. Re-structuring my calendar, my closet, and my work as well as a few of my relationships is an excellent thing for me right now, and I am proceeding ahead doing just that. On days when that strategy does not appear to be working, I think of the unicorn, and how great it would be to have such a creature of goodness and light charge forward jam its horn straight up Saturn's bony ass.

I don't envy you, sir. You have the ultimate job of herding cats, and my hat is off to you for even making the attempt. But I sincerely hope you enjoy the rest of your season, even though it is waning now. I look forward to hearing from you again soon!

Warmly,

John

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Letters from Mars: An Apology Redux?

Dude,

So this is a sorta good news-bad news thing. The good news is, you had your 20th anniversary. Fuck yeah! CONGRATS. The bad news is that well...I kinda fucked up your chances of getting a gift from us. Sorry dude.

I thought everything was chill...we were having a meeting. Jupiter and I were joking around, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere Pluto gets majorly pissed! Then he calls me a bully, I called him a shrimp, and then it sort of went downhill from there. Everyone was sort of getting in on it, and they were piling on, so I let them all have it! Motherfuckers should know better than to fuck with me...I never back down from a fight, you know? 

Anyway, it got real ugly, and Venus totally lost her shit and took over the meeting. I think I have seriously fucked up things with her, dude. I have never seen her so totally channeling ME before...it was kind of scary, but what I didn't get to tell her was that it would have been TOTALLY AMAZING to watch if she hadn't been wanting to kick me in the balls and shit. That bitch was BADASS, but she's riding the retro train so I can totally dig it. It was still fucking cool. Kinda.

That was bad enough...but then I got called into the principal's office and the Sun totally chewed me out! That was no conversation...I wasn't doing any fucking talking there, let me tell you. I am seriously on the outs up here, man, so I need your help. He made me promise to say sorry to you, so here I am. Sorry dude.

So can you do me a solid and tell the Sun that we're good? I'm still supposed to call Pluto and try to get him to come back to meetings...Saturn said calling him "shrimpie"...which I don't even remember saying, to be honest..."crossed a line". BULLSHIT! I don't see the difference since he called me a bully. But I gotta swallow it and call him or the Sun will toast my happy ass. That's not going to be fun; Pluto has a ton of rage that you just don't see to look at him, know what I'm sayin'? I ain't afraid of nothin' but he scares the shit out of me on a GOOD day.

Anyway, sorry dude. I totally fucked up. You're one of my peeps, dude, so hopefully we can still hang out and shit.

Really fucking sorry,

Mars

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Letters from Mars: An Apology

Dear John,

I'm writing to tell you that you haven't received an anniversary gift from us up here because of my conduct.

During a meeting of the planets last week, in which we were supposed to discuss an appropriate way to celebrate this important occasion, I shot off my mouth and upended the entire meeting with my boorish behavior. Eventually, order was restored, but we were unable to come to a consensus; consequently, the occasion passed without any action from us, for which I am extremely contrite.

While my fundamental nature of my conduct is apparent--"marauder / bully of the astrological planets" is a title that I must sadly accept--I am disappointed that it had a negative impact on our ability to celebrate you and your lovely wife. 

I am especially upset because you're one of my people...I'm the almuten of your chart, and as such occupy the most real estate. While Saturn might dispute my rulership of your chart, I am responsible for what has happened, and hope to make it up to you at some point.

Thank you so much for your patience and understanding.

Sincerely,

Mars