Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Merciless Marauding Mars Mightily Mashed

Moon: The Sun will see you now, Mars.

Mars: Thank you, ma'am. You're looking especially sexy today!

Moon: [looks up] You don't want to keep the Sun waiting, Mars. [sad smile]

Mars: Yes, ma'am. [walks into the Sun's office]

Sun: Mars, I'll be with you in a moment.

Mars: No warm smile for me today, sir? [grins]

Sun: Shut the door, please, Mars.

[Mars closes the door and goes to sit down]

Sun: [quietly] Did I tell you to take a seat, Mars?

Mars: [straightens up] I guess not, sir. [chuckles]

Sun: Mars, I am deliberately trying to be calm right now. And what I have to say is not going to make you laugh or smile, so stop trying to make light of your situation.

Mars: Excuse me, sir?

Sun: You heard me, Mars. [pauses] Do you have any fucking idea what you've done?

Mars: Well, if we're talking about the meeting from the other day, I'll admit that I was pretty pissed off.

Sun: Yeah...well, we figured that out, you idiotic twat. You pretty much pissed off everyone at that meeting, and on top of it all, you made me look like a fool. Normally I don't care, and didn't mind accepting a little help from Venus, who, in spite of her retrograde, made all of us look like idiots. I'm at least mature enough to accept her help with some grace instead of acting like some pubescent boy on a goddamn ego trip.

Mars: Wait...are you trying to say it was my fault?

Sun: Oh FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! OF COURSE IT WAS! Who else should I blame?!? Jupiter??

Mars: Well he did start it...

Sun: He at least knew when to stop talking. That's not a quality you possess. You don't have ANY idea how much hurt you caused!

Mars: Yeah, I kinda did hurt some people, I guess. [pauses] Sorry.

Sun: Oh you have a lot more planets to apologize to than that, young man. And you don't sound that sorry.

Mars: 'Cause I was attacked! And I responded in kind because I don't back down from a battle.

Sun: So let me get this straight...you feel like Lady Moon somehow attacked you?

Mars: Well, she was piling on, sir.

Sun: She was telling you to stop hurting people and you lashed out at her. There was no reason for you to do that, except pure rage. And she was coming toward the full Blue Moon. You KNOW what she's like then, you blithering fuckwad! She's my favorite astrological planet and you slammed her in front of the whole group for no reason! Not only was she extremely hurt, but she hasn't been able to get much done since then because she's worried it was her fault, when of course it wasn't.

Mars: She doesn't have to worry anymore, sir. I was angry then and I'm not anymore. So I'll apologize to her and then we're good, right?

Sun: You're kidding, right, Mars? [pauses] You really made me seethingly angry. The Moon is the only reason why I am not screaming in your face right now, because I promised her I wouldn't. Even though you really wounded her for no fucking reason, she still is sticking up for you.

Mars: Wow. That's...really sweet.

Sun: Yeah, it is. And it's a damn sight better than you fucking deserve. So yes, you are going to apologize to her, and you damn well better make it good.

Mars: OK. I will.

Sun: I've been trying all week to get in touch with Pluto and he hasn't answered my calls. You couldn't resist taking a shot at his size, could you, you piece of shit? You had to go THERE. We don't see him much and he doesn't talk much in meetings, so you and Jupiter had to make snide comments. Neither one of you could shut the fuck up; as such, I suspect Pluto went Scorpio nuclear after he left here. Now I'm going to have to beg him to come back...actually, I take that back. I won't have to do it. YOU will do it.

Mars: That's not really my job, sir.

Sun: It motherfucking is now, Mars. You fucked all this up, and you are going to fix it.

Mars: How?

Sun: I don't really know, but that's not my problem. If Pluto's not here for the next meeting with a smile, I blame you. My only advice is that if you're calling someone a name, likely that's not a way to win friends and influence people. Get it? Or do I have to pound it again into that Neanderthal pea-brain of yours?

Mars: I think so, sir.

Sun: Excellent. Once Venus returns from her retrograde, then you can try to make amends with her. Good luck seeing her naked ever again. I calmed her down and sent her on her way but she was mightily vexed when she left here. I haven't had to say "for fuck's sake" that often since I saw the coverage of the how the NFL is punishing the Patriots and Tom Brady with no real evidence. I had to turn that shit off.

Mars: Brady had it coming, sir. Great competitor and all but if you mess with the integrity of the game...

Sun: I don't recall asking you to speak, Mr. Warmonger. [pause] And finally, did you forget that you are the classical ruler of John's sign? How would he feel to know that one of his planetary rulers deliberately torpedoed a meeting during which we would discuss an appropriate gift for him on a big anniversary?

Mars: Oh shit, I forgot about that. Fuck me. I guess I should apologize to him, too, right?

Sun: You have a large list of things to do before I consider us square, Mars. You will fix ALL of these relationships or you will pay the price.

Mars: Playing devil's advocate, let's just pretend I decide not to do what you say. What's the "price"? Bottom line it for me, sir.

Sun: You don't know when to shut the fuck up, Mars. But because you're like a fucking teenager with a raging hard on, I will tell you. A small portion of the price is allowing Lady Venus to lead our meetings for a year. How would that make you feel?

Mars: [face starts to redden] You have got to be fucking kidding me, man. Seriously. You would do that? You have NEVER let me lead a meeting. You so would not do that, right?

Sun: Yes, I would do that and a whole lot more, you bully. Perhaps you know how serious I am now, young man?

Mars: [contrite] Yes, sir.

Sun: And you will fix everything as soon as possible, right?

Mars: Yes, I will, sir.

Sun: Good. Because if you don't you'll have a lot more to worry about than getting your dong stroked. You're dismissed.

Mars: Sir. [straightens up, opens door and leaves]

Moon: [leaning into the Sun's office smirking] Was that as fun as it sounded, sir?

Sun: I'm ashamed to admit how fun it was. And you know not to call me 'sir' when we're alone.

Moon: I know, but after a display of authority like that, well...it seemed appropriate.

Sun: Well, that sonofabitch had better get his shit together or I will seriously put a hurting on him. Going off on people is emotionally draining, you know?!?

Moon: Yes, sir. I know. I've taken the liberty of canceling your appointments for the rest of the day. Jupiter sent over a bottle of Neptune's favorite hooch. I advise a little liquor and a little R&R, applied liberally.

Sun: You know I don't drink alone, Lady. Log out of your workstation and send the phones to voicemail. That's an order [smiling].

Moon: Your wish is my command, sir.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Letters From The Sun: It's Been Hot Up Here!

Dear John,

I'd like to take a moment to apologize for what's been going on up here this summer. It's definitely been a rough one for us, too.

As a tarot reader, you know that I'm represented by...you guessed it...the Sun. I know...that's a tough one to pick up. You've said yourself that the card has "no negative meanings" and I totally agree. But one of the message it does stand for is "enlightenment", and I think that's where most of your experience is leading you. Over time and little by little, you seem to be figuring out what's going on up here, which I really like. It's hard for non-astrologers to understand what we're doing and why things might not be rosy in their little lives.

With that said, while we all have our roles, part of my role is as the focal point of things up here, and while Mercury doesn't technically work for me per se, I'm sort of his "team lead" if you will. So I'd like to apologize to you and your friend Megan on his behalf. I must admit, if we're being candid, that I had a good laugh over "filthy whore", despite Mercury's reaction.

With Venus going retro now, hopefully you can manage to avoid any of her...difficulties...during her retrograde re-evaluation period. I know you've been warning people about it, so that's fantastic.

I'd like to discuss one other matter with you. Word has reached me through a source who I will not identify that you're struggling with the Old Man again. I'm very sorry to hear it. You should know, though, that it's not personal for him. He actually likes you, which is rare, considering that he's SATURN. Well, I don't mean "like" in the sense of "has affection for", but in the sense of "not hating you as much as most other people". I wanted to make sure that's clear; the mighty Saturn does not show affection! Hahahaha!

Anyway, I hope this letter finds you well.


The Sun

PS: I hope you and your lovely wife have a fantastic 20th anniversary. We were trying to get together to decide what to do for you, but that meeting didn't go the way I intended. So your gift may be a little late...my apologies in advance.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Dwarves, Bullies, and Wonder Woman

Sun: Allright, settle down, please. We haven't had a full meeting in a while, so I'm glad to see everyone. Lady Moon, is everyone present and accounted for?

Moon: Yes, sir. It appears that everyone is here on time, which is extremely rare. Especially for Neptune!

Neptune: It's not my fault, Lady Moon. I didn't expect my alarm to go off when it was supposed to.

Moon: Of course, Neptune. [pause] Sir, I think we can proceed.

Sun: Fantastic! I love this time of year. Anyway, folks, today's agenda is about our favorite blogger, John. His 20th wedding anniversary is coming up next week, and I thought we could all get together to talk about what we should do for him. I'll open the floor up for ideas.

Pluto: I've got an idea. Maybe we could...

Jupiter: [whispers to Mars]: Holy shit! The dwarf is saying something. He NEVER talks!

Pluto: [glaring at Jupiter]: Are you finished?

Jupiter: Yeah, man. Sorry. [chuckles]

Pluto: Anyway, as I was saying, maybe we could...

Mars: [whispers to Jupiter]: Dude, he's already pissed? I thought I was the one with the temper.

Pluto: DO YOU TWO MIND? SERIOUSLY! Do you know where the term "Scorpio nuclear" comes from? Trust me...you don't wanna see it.

Sun: [sighs] Sorry, Pluto. [To Mars and Jupiter] Am I going to have to separate you two?

Mars: Sorry, sir...I didn't expect the midget to get so...enraged. [Jupiter and Mars laugh together]

Pluto: "MIDGET"?? You should talk, you bully! We all know how size matters to you, douchebag!

Mercury: Mars, "midget" is a derogatory term...it's "little planet" now.

Mars: Well, maybe he can roll his tiny little bowling ball ass over here and tell me himself. Isn't that right, shrimpie? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sun: Mars, that's downright rude! Please apologize to Pluto immediately.

Mars: Why should I? He called me a bully!

Saturn: The Sun is right, Mars. You crossed the line. Apologize.

Mars: Oh, look who decided to butt in where he doesn't belong again! I'm surprised you're not too busy giving John fits these days to attend these meetings, you miserable prick!

Saturn: I think there are two apologies you need to make now, Mr. Warmonger.

Mars: "Warmonger"?? Who's doing the name calling now, Zoloft Boy? The pharmaceutical industry send your monthly check yet?!?

Uranus: I know this may be a revolutionary idea, but can we start this meeting over?

Mars: Hey, Rebel Without a Clue! Here's a nice big cup of shut the fuck up!

Moon: Mars, stop it right now!

Mars: Or what, Lady Moon? You might feel...blue?? HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Moon: [staring at Mars icily] You KNOW I get sensitive around this time of the month! [starts to cry]

Sun: [Pleading] Please, everyone, stop this...we need to get this meeting back on track!

Jupiter: I'm not sure everyone agrees with that philosophy, sir. This is much more entertaining! Let's hit REPLY TO ALL! BATTLE ROYALE!!

Venus: [shouting] EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW. [room goes silent] As many of you know, I'm retrograde right now, which makes me a little more waspish than usual. [pauses] Mars, dude, honestly, you're acting like biggest asshole in the galaxy right now, and if I could find your balls I'd walk the fuck over there and kick them repeatedly! You made the Moon cry! Who DOES that??

Jupiter: Whoa.

Venus: And you, Jupiter, are at least partially to blame for all this because you never know when to shut your fucking hole! You're actually encouraging this...this...entropy? I'd ask what the fuck was wrong with you but we don't have two days to talk about it! I've got a philosophical idea to ponder, though. Hmmm...let me think now. [Mimics thinking, then pauses] Oh, I've got it. Let's talk about why we even ask you to come to these meetings since you only show up to get attention, you insensitive DICKBAG!!

Saturn: Yes, Lady...absolutely right. And I...

Venus: Don't interrupt me! I'm not done yet, Old Man. You're actually only guilty of calling Mars a "warmonger" today, which, considering your past history as the prick of the astrological planets, is a pretty minor infraction. You're correct in your assessment, however, and so is Mars with his Mr. Zoloft comment. So we'll call that contest a wash so you two don't have to go outside and whip it out to see who's bigger. You're WELCOME. Fucking testosterone poisoning in here! I can only imagine what the notes from this meeting would look like!

Saturn: [winces]

Venus: [settles back in her chair] You know, I actually loved Uranus' idea of starting this meeting over again. Maybe we could all act our ages and conduct ourselves like the mature planets that we are? Pluto had an idea and no one had the decency to even listen to it. Can we re-evaluate that proposal perhaps? Hmmm?

Mercury: Lady, I was thinking...

Venus: Yes, Mercury? Out with it! You can't possibly be tongue-tied.

Mercury: No, ma'am. Well, I was thinking that Pluto and I can get together after this meeting and write up some of his ideas and submit them for further consideration. Does that sound like a reasonable proposal? That way we could adjourn this meeting early...

Venus: That's the best idea I've heard today! I second that emotion, Merc. Any opposed?


Venus: Motion passed and so ordered. Lady Moon, please note in the agenda that this topic has been tabled for now until we've had time to review the Mercury-Pluto proposal. Please ensure everyone receives a copy. Also, strike everything else from the meeting minutes, if you would be so kind. I wouldn't want anyone seeing what really goes on in here.

Moon: Yes, ma'am. Doing it now.

Venus: Thank you, ladies and "gentlemen". We're adjourned! Enjoy your day!

[Everyone leaves the room, led by Mars who storms out muttering what sounds like "goddamn fuckin' bitch", except the Sun and Venus].

Sun: Lady Venus...

Venus: Yes, sir?

Sun: [Pause] I know I'm supposed to be the one in charge around here...

Venus: Sir, I'm sorry. I know I overstepped...

Sun: [gently] Please let me finish. [Pause] Things got really out of hand today, but you were absolutely out of this world! I should let you lead meetings more often! [smiles]

Venus: [beaming] Thank you, sir. To put not too fine a point on it...you don't fuck with Wonder Woman, sir.

Sun: Well said, Venus. Now since I am actually in charge...in the most respectful way imaginable, I'm telling you get the fuck out of here, on your invisible jet or any mode of transportation you prefer. That's an order. I don't want to see you again until you're moving forward at 14 Leo on September 5. Is that clear?

Venus: Crystal, sir. [pause] Could I have a hug before I go?

Sun: Sure you can! [hugs her] I can't imagine what it is like to be retrograde, but it will be over soon. Even Wonder Woman needs the occasional vacation.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Letters from Venus: Summer Retrograde Vacation

From Wikipedia

Hello everyone...it's Venus here! So thrilled to be with you today. And yes, you can call me Aphrodite if you prefer.

John is likely re-trying his hand with Fallout: New Vegas so he can complete it before the new one comes out this fall. I love to see people doing things they enjoy, even if it is in a dystopian, post-nuclear region populated with mutated insects. He enjoys it, so what is there for me to say? Except perhaps "EW!"

As John appears to be relishing killing giant mutated ants and scorpions, as well as any evil human unlucky enough to cross his path, it seems like a good time for us to have a little chat about my upcoming "vacation" that begins on July 25. You folks would likely call it a "retrograde", though. It starts next weekend, on July 25, and you may experience some difficulty. (Note: Mars usually uses a word with "F" to describe the negative experiences that go with some retrogrades, but I really try not to use that kind of language because it puts people off.)

I know I don't go on vacation very often, and it can be very unsettling when I do; I'm a big part of your world because I deal with love matters and money matters. Both of these things involve "attraction", of course.

A lot of people don't seem to understand how I'm involved with money. Well, when you apply for a job, they have to like you...sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. And you must like them, too, to have a mutually beneficial relationship. If you have your own business, you need to attract customers, make them "fall in love" with you, if you will, at least long enough for them to spend some money on you. But ideally you want them to stay in love with you over the long haul, and by doing so convince others to love your business too so you stay in the black.

Before you ask, people with problems with Venus in their natal chart can have difficulty in both love AND money, which if you ask me can be incredibly frustrating. But your natal chart is, as John would say, the hand you're dealt; how you play that hand day to day is up to you.

For the record, I'm in Scorpio in John's chart, in detriment, so I have a very hard time working with him some days. But he has a smart, beautiful spouse and a pretty good business, so obviously he's playing his hand well. (Speaking of hands, Mars told me once that sex is like bridge: You've got to have a great partner or a great hand. Wow, that's awful! See...my inner Mars is coming out already and we've still got a few days left. Fudge! I digress.) 

And with me in Scorpio things are always emotionally intense for our favorite blogger. Thankfully John got married young...dating was an emotional nightmare for him! There was this one time...wait...please forget I said that last sentence! He'd likely be embarrassed.

But speaking of my influence, did I mention he's celebrating 20 years of marriage next month? I am SO EXCITED! 

Oh, fiddlesticks...John said no tangents and I've already had a few. So it's back to work...

Small yet colorful tangents aside, John's asked me to present the list of potential problem areas to watch out for while I'm on vacation, and they include:

Love and social affairs--Overall, relationships tend to slow down. This is not a good time to:

  • Get married 
  • Go on first dates 
  • Join or re-join online dating sites 
  • Have big parties 
  • Change your hairstyle 
  • Wear flamboyant clothing 
  • Buy a new wardrobe 
  • Re-decorate your home or business 

Business--You may experience:

  • Legal issues 
  • Problems with diplomacy or negotiations 

Also, this is NOT a good time to begin new business partnerships. So if you can avoid doing this until I'm back, all the better.

One very important note: Relationships that are already having difficulty may feel additional pressure. My retrograde often forces us to face feelings that we have ignored in the past, and re-evaluate those friendships and romantic partnerships as these emotions re-surface. So I'm sorry to report that if you're relationship is already on the rocks, this may, well...help smash it to pieces, as Mars would say.

Mars does have his good points, but I prefer a more gentle approach. I'd probably go more with, "You may discover that the relationships that you have are truly not serving you, giving you the opportunity to pursue more fruitful ones." That sounds so much more positive. This is a time to acknowledge these feelings, but it's not a time to act on them. Wait until I come back from vacation to decide whether or not these feelings were temporary or indicative of a more serious problem.

Warning: I tend to me more Mars-like during my retrograde periods, so you can expect less kindness and understanding overall while I'm gone. I'll apologize for it because it's sort of my fault. Sorry.

Since I'll barely reach Virgo and then immediately retrograde into Leo, I'll spend nearly the entire time in the sign of the lion. Consequently, watch out for these types of incidents:

  • Hissy fits 
  • "Flounces"--dramatic departures from places for emotionally-based reasons that may involve either friends or romantic partners; "I'm going to take my ball and go home" is a standard flounce, for example 
  • Pride problems--easily bruised egos are unfortunately a Leo staple 
  • Oversensitivity--sometimes people take things personally when it's not personal 
I'll go over halfway back through Leo and I will go direct again at 14 Leo on Sunday, September 6th. But it's been about 18 months and I just need the break. I'm sure you understand. I'll be back before you know it!

I'll apologize now for any inconvenience my retrograde may cause, and sincerely wish you the very best in all that you do. Hopefully John will let me do this again soon!



Saturday, July 18, 2015

Letters from Saturn: Struggle All You Want!

Dear John,

I must admit that I was not truly surprised and more than a little disappointed to read your last missive. I've read it several times before taking the opportunity to reply.

Since you seem so dead set on blaming me for your problems, I accept. No argument here. To be honest, I suspect no argument would work anyway.

I totally agree that I can be the prick of the astrological planets, and considering the time frame we are discussing, your invective is understandable. You seem to do an excellent job of rallying your readers against me, and honestly, I deserve it. So go ahead...pound away with your "greater malefic" nonsense. If I stayed up nights worrying about how people thought about me, maybe I'd care, but honestly, I don't.  

I don't understand why you continue to adore the status quo. Over time, things change; that's a given. Right now you've got to understand that this cycle will end eventually. When you were in high school it was happening and you didn't even know it in the throes of your teenage existential angst. And now as an ADULT you want to be pissed off; that's rich!

You don't seem open to what I have to say right now, so I won't keep you long. But I will have the last word, which is this: You need to do a better job of seeing the positive in me, or else you will end up like me: A bitter old man who delights in showing people how they don't measure up.

Suck it up, buttercup. I'm coming to 5 Sagittarius on November 11 and there's nothing you can do to stop me. 

Dutifully yours, 


P.S.: While you're at it, why don't you try talking to the Moon about stopping her tides? She'll at least listen when I won't, so you've got a better chance of making that happen. 

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

More Tarot Reading Dates Added for This Summer!

Hello everyone! I've added a few more tarot reading dates for Saturdays during the summer. The complete schedule through the end of September is below, with the new dates underlined:

Saturday, July 11, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, July 18, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, July 25, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, July 29 (Open Beltane Ritual)

Saturday, August 8, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, August 15, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, August 19, 6-9pm

Saturday, August 29, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, September 5, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, September 23, 6-9pm (Open Beltane Ritual)

A sincere thanks as always for your continued trust and confidence. I hope to see you across my tarot table soon! 

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Open Letter to Mercury: Hermes Replies!

Well, I'll admit that I never expected that Mercury would respond to me. But it appears that he did through another blogger. 

Here it is...please go take a look at it. :)