Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Mercury Slightly Singed by the Sun-Shine

Mercury: You wanted to see me, sir?

Sun: Yes, Merc. Sit down. [Mercury sits] So this is not a lecture.

Mercury: What do you mean, 'This is not a lecture'? Who would start a conversation that way? You're immediately putting that idea in my mind that it IS a lecture, and then I have to be worried about what this "non-lecture" is about. Sir, you of all people should know better than to do that to me. It's just not fair. I mean when you think about the implications that such a statement might have in the context of being here in your office I just...

Sun: [holds a hand up calmly] Merc.

Mercury: Yeah?

Sun: I just wanted to give you some information. We don't need to debate the implications of it. Actually, I was going for a lighter touch but you're making this more difficult.

Mercury: Aren't you going to close the door, sir?

Sun: No, I'm not, but I'm glad you noticed. What does that indicate to you?

Mercury: That perhaps this meeting won't be a lecture, which is what I should have known if I had taken your words at face value, sir. I'll make sure it doesn't happen again, sir. Sometimes my mind trips over my brain...I mean my words trip over themselves in my brain.

Sun: You're correct, Merc. On all counts. So I have a question: Did Mars perhaps ask you for assistance in crafting a letter to John apologizing for his conduct at the meeting that ultimately caused us to not send him a gift for his anniversary?

Mercury: Sure he did, sir.

Sun: I see. [Pause] And could you tell me in detail what form that assistance might have taken?

Mercury: Well, sir, he came and told me the situation and I said that I'd help him. But he said all he needed from me was to get him started, which I did. And then he left.

Sun: So he was going to write this letter on his own after you provided some...input, right?

Mercury: Yes, sir.

Sun: To make sure I'm following...he came to you, you gave him some quote-unquote assistance, and then he left.

Mercury: That's what happened, sir.

Sun: Did Mars at any time ask you to do the work for him?

Mercury: Oh no, sir! I gave him a few writing tips and then he was out the door. It was his punishment, after all.

Sun: So tell me what you did after he left.

Mercury: After he left? Mars, you mean?

Sun: Yes. Don't tell me you don't understand what I mean.

Mercury: Well...I know what you mean, I was just asking for clarification. I...I don't really remember. I'm a little ecletic...but I watch the news, I text, I write...

Sun: Merc, did you help out Mars by writing a letter to John for him without his knowledge?

Mercury: [Pause, with a confused look] Yes, I did, but I didn't tell anyone I had done so. How did you come by this information? I mean they SAY Big Brother is watching us and all but seriously that's totally bizarre.

Sun: [smiling] You didn't expect Mars to write a letter, did you? Or was it that you were unsure that his would accomplish his desired goals?

Mercury: A little of both, sir. John deserves better than that, sir. And since I didn't say anything to stop the chaos at the meeting, I thought I could do my part by making sure John got a real apology, not one given by a caveman.

Sun: Merc, Mars did indeed send one...

Mercury: Oh shit. So John got two of them?

Sun: Yes, indeed. Mars must have infected you with something because normally you think things through.

Mercury: Yeah, I guess I didn't think about that. Hope he wasn't upset.

Sun: He seemed more amused than anything else, especially because Mars doesn't write like you do. You didn't even try to disguise your writing to look like Mars'.

Mercury: Dammit.

Sun: So here's the thing: Mars did what I told him to do. But I'm going to ask you nicely to not "help" so much next time, especially since it makes it look like we don't know our asses from a hole in the ground.

Mercury: I can see that, sir. I'll make sure I reign it in next time.

Sun: Thanks, Merc. You can go now.

Monday, August 31, 2015

Shameless Marketing Alert: Upcoming Events and Schedule

Hello everyone...

You read the title so if shameless marketing offends, turn away now. This is your last warning. 

Anyway, if you're still reading this, here are some notes about upcoming events:

1) Tarot readings and charts for September

I'm going on vacation in September and have a number of other personal engagements, so my only Saturday reading tarot at 13 Magickal Moons for the month is September 5, which is Labor Day Weekend. After that day, my last September date is the community's Mabon Ritual, which is from 6-9 on Wednesday, September 23. I hope to see many of you there!

Also, if you need a phone or Skype reading soon, now would be the time to schedule it. I have a few time slots still open for the next week or so, but from September 9-27, I will be out of the office and unavailable.

Finally, I have a few more charts to finish, but I'm not taking on any more before my vacation. If you need natals or solar returns for Libra folks, let me know so I can start working on them once I return. 

2) Halloween tarot parties

OK, so Halloween is on a Saturday night this year, but even if your event isn't that evening, I have some availability for parties. They do tend to fill up fast so if you're interested in having me to read cards for you and your friends, hierophant@cox.net or 703-829-3273 are the ways to contact me. 

3) State of the Art Conference (SOTA)

I'll be speaking on "The Queens of the Tarot" at the upcoming SOTA conference this fall from October 21-25. Of course, I'll also be attending the conference and hope to see many of you there. This was an amazing event and it's held in the Buffalo metro area, so if you're local, come on out and at least check out the vendor area, which is free. There are some amazing readers coming this year and plenty of other cool stuff to buy.

4) Beginning tarot classes at 13 Magickal Moons

I've had a number of folks ask me about beginner tarot classes. They're coming around again, this time on Thursday nights starting later in the fall. 13 Magickal Moons will have the dates and times up likely in the next week. If you're interested in learning the tarot, there's no better way to start or deepen your knowledge than in this fun, safe environment.

Thanks as always for your support and patronage, and for recommending my services to others! I look forward to seeing you across my table soon!

Blessed be,

John

PS: Saturn is still a prick. Just sayin'. That is all. 

Friday, August 14, 2015

Letter to the Sun: Mysterious Correspondence, Herding Cats, and the Old Man

Dear Sir,

Thanks so much for your kind wishes. Jen and I were very pleased to receive them. Let me assure you that your kind words on the occasion of our 20th anniversary were more than sufficient, and you have our sincere gratitude for taking the time out of your extremely busy schedule to remember us. We visited the church where we were married to indulge in a "selfie", a word that didn't even exist when we got married, and you gave us plenty of light and warmth on both our wedding day and our visit last week, for which were extremely grateful.

I received two letters, both of which say they are from Mars, apologizing for derailing a meeting during which a gift for us was to have been decided. Receiving any letter from Mars is a rarity, but to receive two? Well, I have my doubts as to the veracity of their authorship. One definitely seems like Mars' writing style, which, while plebian, at least doesn't use single characters to replace words--like "u" for "you"--or letters for numbers, like "2" instead of "to" or "too". (The only person who can get away with that shit is His Purple Highness, Prince. But I digress.) Certain expressions seem also to pop up frequently for him, as his verbal palette, if you will, only has a few colors.

The other letter does not at all seem like it's Mars' style. It might have been Mars' intention originally, but it has been wordsmithed and edited within an inch of its life and likely has another offer. I honestly didn't think of Mars as being capable of writing a sentence with so many complex grammatical structures, especially since they were all used correctly. Mars has many fine qualities, but his writing style seems to epitomize the brutish "pound it in over and over" approach, favoring simplicity and repetition over finesse and flowing prose. Speaking personally and off the record, I can think of maybe two planets who could have pulled off such a feat. In the end, though, it doesn't matter. The intentions were made clear to me--twice over--and I appreciate the efforts that were made to ease any feelings of disappointment I might have felt.

Thanks for asking about my relationship with Saturn. The rumors about my struggle with the Old Man are true, good sir. He has been a real pain for me this summer, and I know he's not going to let up for a while. Trying to enjoy life in spite of him seems to be the best course of action. My astrology mentor has also suggested "re-structuring", which actually came at a good time considering Venus retrograde so I can do both at once. Re-structuring my calendar, my closet, and my work as well as a few of my relationships is an excellent thing for me right now, and I am proceeding ahead doing just that. On days when that strategy does not appear to be working, I think of the unicorn, and how great it would be to have such a creature of goodness and light charge forward jam its horn straight up Saturn's bony ass.

I don't envy you, sir. You have the ultimate job of herding cats, and my hat is off to you for even making the attempt. But I sincerely hope you enjoy the rest of your season, even though it is waning now. I look forward to hearing from you again soon!

Warmly,

John

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Letters from Mars: An Apology Redux?

Dude,

So this is a sorta good news-bad news thing. The good news is, you had your 20th anniversary. Fuck yeah! CONGRATS. The bad news is that well...I kinda fucked up your chances of getting a gift from us. Sorry dude.

I thought everything was chill...we were having a meeting. Jupiter and I were joking around, and then all of a sudden out of nowhere Pluto gets majorly pissed! Then he calls me a bully, I called him a shrimp, and then it sort of went downhill from there. Everyone was sort of getting in on it, and they were piling on, so I let them all have it! Motherfuckers should know better than to fuck with me...I never back down from a fight, you know? 

Anyway, it got real ugly, and Venus totally lost her shit and took over the meeting. I think I have seriously fucked up things with her, dude. I have never seen her so totally channeling ME before...it was kind of scary, but what I didn't get to tell her was that it would have been TOTALLY AMAZING to watch if she hadn't been wanting to kick me in the balls and shit. That bitch was BADASS, but she's riding the retro train so I can totally dig it. It was still fucking cool. Kinda.

That was bad enough...but then I got called into the principal's office and the Sun totally chewed me out! That was no conversation...I wasn't doing any fucking talking there, let me tell you. I am seriously on the outs up here, man, so I need your help. He made me promise to say sorry to you, so here I am. Sorry dude.

So can you do me a solid and tell the Sun that we're good? I'm still supposed to call Pluto and try to get him to come back to meetings...Saturn said calling him "shrimpie"...which I don't even remember saying, to be honest..."crossed a line". BULLSHIT! I don't see the difference since he called me a bully. But I gotta swallow it and call him or the Sun will toast my happy ass. That's not going to be fun; Pluto has a ton of rage that you just don't see to look at him, know what I'm sayin'? I ain't afraid of nothin' but he scares the shit out of me on a GOOD day.

Anyway, sorry dude. I totally fucked up. You're one of my peeps, dude, so hopefully we can still hang out and shit.

Really fucking sorry,

Mars

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Letters from Mars: An Apology

Dear John,

I'm writing to tell you that you haven't received an anniversary gift from us up here because of my conduct.

During a meeting of the planets last week, in which we were supposed to discuss an appropriate way to celebrate this important occasion, I shot off my mouth and upended the entire meeting with my boorish behavior. Eventually, order was restored, but we were unable to come to a consensus; consequently, the occasion passed without any action from us, for which I am extremely contrite.

While my fundamental nature of my conduct is apparent--"marauder / bully of the astrological planets" is a title that I must sadly accept--I am disappointed that it had a negative impact on our ability to celebrate you and your lovely wife. 

I am especially upset because you're one of my people...I'm the almuten of your chart, and as such occupy the most real estate. While Saturn might dispute my rulership of your chart, I am responsible for what has happened, and hope to make it up to you at some point.

Thank you so much for your patience and understanding.

Sincerely,

Mars

Monday, August 10, 2015

Mercury and Mars: Mixed Messages

Mars: Dude, I need your help. Thank the gods you're not in retrograde right now. 

Mercury: What's up?

Mars: The Sun said I had to apologize to John about the other day at the meeting.

Mercury: Yeah, and for once I kept my mouth shut. Who would have thought?

Mars: I KNOW, RIGHT? But I'm seriously fucked if I don't send John an apology. 

Mercury: Well, you are his Sun's ruling planet.

Mars: Yeah, I get that. Which is why I'm here. 

Mercury: OK then. Let's get started. Why don't you tell me what you would say if John was here, and then we'll try to come up with something appropriate?

Mars: You're the boss. [clears throat] "Dear John..." Oh shit, do I want to start that way?

Mercury: He's been named John his whole life, and likely he's had a few letters that began with "Dear John", so I think you're probably OK there. 

Mars: Truth. [Pauses] "Dear John, I am so fucked right now."

Mercury: Ummm, I think we're starting off on the wrong foot.

Mars: Well, it's the truth, dude. 

Mercury: I know that. But if you start off talking about your problems, any apology you give after that is going to seem mediocre at best, and self-serving at worst. 

Mars: [Pause] Ummm...is that a "no"?

Mercury: [rolls eyes] For your purposes, Mars, yes. 

Mars: Fuck! I think that's all I had. 

Mercury: That's...not a lot. 

Mars: Well shit, dude, why the fuck do you think I came here? You don't think I'd go to Saturn, do you?

Mercury: Of course not, because he'd quote you passages from Strunk and White's Elements of Style.

Mars: Wow. I didn't know Saturn was into porn, but I always suspected it was goats and shit...

Mercury: Never mind. Forget the goat porn! What do you feel? That's where this letter has to come from. 

Mars: That's more Venus' territory than mine, Merc. But generally speaking, I'm pissed off. 

Mercury: Imagine. And why are you pissed off?

Mars: Because the Sun is angry with me. 

Mercury: Go on. Why is the Sun angry with you?

Mars: Because I lost my shit in the meeting. 

Mercury: And that caused what to happen?

Mars: [light bulb goes off] That caused us not to decide on John's present for his anniversary. 

Mercury: Now we're getting somewhere.

Mars: And that part is kind of disappointing. 

Mercury: Excellent. And in whom are you disappointed?

Mars: [pauses] Myself?

Mercury: BINGO. So how about "Dear John, I'm really disappointed in the way I acted the other day."

Mars: Jupiter was right. You are good at this shit. 

Mercury: Thank you, sir. 

Mars: I think I'm on the right track now, writer dude. I think I can take it from here. 

Mercury: [surprised] Are you...sure?

Mars: Yup. John's one of my people, and I'll make sure he gets the message. 

Mercury: OK, Mars. If you're completely certain. 

Mars: Thanks man. I'm outtie. Gotta write tonight!

[closes door]

Mercury: I think I had better do some writing tonight, too, because there is no fucking way that neanderthal is going to make this right. 

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Merciless Marauding Mars Mightily Mashed

Moon: The Sun will see you now, Mars.

Mars: Thank you, ma'am. You're looking especially sexy today!

Moon: [looks up] You don't want to keep the Sun waiting, Mars. [sad smile]

Mars: Yes, ma'am. [walks into the Sun's office]

Sun: Mars, I'll be with you in a moment.

Mars: No warm smile for me today, sir? [grins]

Sun: Shut the door, please, Mars.

[Mars closes the door and goes to sit down]

Sun: [quietly] Did I tell you to take a seat, Mars?

Mars: [straightens up] I guess not, sir. [chuckles]

Sun: Mars, I am deliberately trying to be calm right now. And what I have to say is not going to make you laugh or smile, so stop trying to make light of your situation.

Mars: Excuse me, sir?

Sun: You heard me, Mars. [pauses] Do you have any fucking idea what you've done?

Mars: Well, if we're talking about the meeting from the other day, I'll admit that I was pretty pissed off.

Sun: Yeah...well, we figured that out, you idiotic twat. You pretty much pissed off everyone at that meeting, and on top of it all, you made me look like a fool. Normally I don't care, and didn't mind accepting a little help from Venus, who, in spite of her retrograde, made all of us look like idiots. I'm at least mature enough to accept her help with some grace instead of acting like some pubescent boy on a goddamn ego trip.

Mars: Wait...are you trying to say it was my fault?

Sun: Oh FOR FUCK'S SAKE!! OF COURSE IT WAS! Who else should I blame?!? Jupiter??

Mars: Well he did start it...

Sun: He at least knew when to stop talking. That's not a quality you possess. You don't have ANY idea how much hurt you caused!

Mars: Yeah, I kinda did hurt some people, I guess. [pauses] Sorry.

Sun: Oh you have a lot more planets to apologize to than that, young man. And you don't sound that sorry.

Mars: 'Cause I was attacked! And I responded in kind because I don't back down from a battle.

Sun: So let me get this straight...you feel like Lady Moon somehow attacked you?

Mars: Well, she was piling on, sir.

Sun: She was telling you to stop hurting people and you lashed out at her. There was no reason for you to do that, except pure rage. And she was coming toward the full Blue Moon. You KNOW what she's like then, you blithering fuckwad! She's my favorite astrological planet and you slammed her in front of the whole group for no reason! Not only was she extremely hurt, but she hasn't been able to get much done since then because she's worried it was her fault, when of course it wasn't.

Mars: She doesn't have to worry anymore, sir. I was angry then and I'm not anymore. So I'll apologize to her and then we're good, right?

Sun: You're kidding, right, Mars? [pauses] You really made me seethingly angry. The Moon is the only reason why I am not screaming in your face right now, because I promised her I wouldn't. Even though you really wounded her for no fucking reason, she still is sticking up for you.

Mars: Wow. That's...really sweet.

Sun: Yeah, it is. And it's a damn sight better than you fucking deserve. So yes, you are going to apologize to her, and you damn well better make it good.

Mars: OK. I will.

Sun: I've been trying all week to get in touch with Pluto and he hasn't answered my calls. You couldn't resist taking a shot at his size, could you, you piece of shit? You had to go THERE. We don't see him much and he doesn't talk much in meetings, so you and Jupiter had to make snide comments. Neither one of you could shut the fuck up; as such, I suspect Pluto went Scorpio nuclear after he left here. Now I'm going to have to beg him to come back...actually, I take that back. I won't have to do it. YOU will do it.

Mars: That's not really my job, sir.

Sun: It motherfucking is now, Mars. You fucked all this up, and you are going to fix it.

Mars: How?

Sun: I don't really know, but that's not my problem. If Pluto's not here for the next meeting with a smile, I blame you. My only advice is that if you're calling someone a name, likely that's not a way to win friends and influence people. Get it? Or do I have to pound it again into that Neanderthal pea-brain of yours?

Mars: I think so, sir.

Sun: Excellent. Once Venus returns from her retrograde, then you can try to make amends with her. Good luck seeing her naked ever again. I calmed her down and sent her on her way but she was mightily vexed when she left here. I haven't had to say "for fuck's sake" that often since I saw the coverage of the how the NFL is punishing the Patriots and Tom Brady with no real evidence. I had to turn that shit off.

Mars: Brady had it coming, sir. Great competitor and all but if you mess with the integrity of the game...

Sun: I don't recall asking you to speak, Mr. Warmonger. [pause] And finally, did you forget that you are the classical ruler of John's sign? How would he feel to know that one of his planetary rulers deliberately torpedoed a meeting during which we would discuss an appropriate gift for him on a big anniversary?

Mars: Oh shit, I forgot about that. Fuck me. I guess I should apologize to him, too, right?

Sun: You have a large list of things to do before I consider us square, Mars. You will fix ALL of these relationships or you will pay the price.

Mars: Playing devil's advocate, let's just pretend I decide not to do what you say. What's the "price"? Bottom line it for me, sir.

Sun: You don't know when to shut the fuck up, Mars. But because you're like a fucking teenager with a raging hard on, I will tell you. A small portion of the price is allowing Lady Venus to lead our meetings for a year. How would that make you feel?

Mars: [face starts to redden] You have got to be fucking kidding me, man. Seriously. You would do that? You have NEVER let me lead a meeting. You so would not do that, right?

Sun: Yes, I would do that and a whole lot more, you bully. Perhaps you know how serious I am now, young man?

Mars: [contrite] Yes, sir.

Sun: And you will fix everything as soon as possible, right?

Mars: Yes, I will, sir.

Sun: Good. Because if you don't you'll have a lot more to worry about than getting your dong stroked. You're dismissed.

Mars: Sir. [straightens up, opens door and leaves]

Moon: [leaning into the Sun's office smirking] Was that as fun as it sounded, sir?

Sun: I'm ashamed to admit how fun it was. And you know not to call me 'sir' when we're alone.

Moon: I know, but after a display of authority like that, well...it seemed appropriate.

Sun: Well, that sonofabitch had better get his shit together or I will seriously put a hurting on him. Going off on people is emotionally draining, you know?!?

Moon: Yes, sir. I know. I've taken the liberty of canceling your appointments for the rest of the day. Jupiter sent over a bottle of Neptune's favorite hooch. I advise a little liquor and a little R&R, applied liberally.

Sun: You know I don't drink alone, Lady. Log out of your workstation and send the phones to voicemail. That's an order [smiling].

Moon: Your wish is my command, sir.