Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Open Letter to Mercury: Hermes Replies!

Well, I'll admit that I never expected that Mercury would respond to me. But it appears that he did through another blogger. 

Here it is...please go take a look at it. :)






Monday, June 29, 2015

Suppressive Saturnian Struggles

Temple of Saturn in Rome

Dear Saturn,

You and I have had our differences in the past. But I wanted to clear the air, since you and I both know what's coming.

Your cycle is well-known, Old Man. You come back to our natal point every 28-29 years, and so every seven years or so, we experience a clash to its natal position in our chart--a square or an opposition, and if we're lucky, two or three conjunctions in the span of a lifetime.

In this case, you've gone nearly halfway through your cycle for me. When I was born, you were sitting at 5 Gemini. You're now going retrograde through Scorpio, but that will change soon and you will be moving into the sign that opposes Gemini, Sagittarius. 


I've already taken a look, sir, and it appears that you will be exactly opposing my natal Saturn position on November 11. I'm already feeling some of the effects, since you already crossed this point earlier this year and then retrograded back over it.

As you head toward an exact opposition to my natal Saturn, there are some potentially nasty effects that can come with it for me: 
  • Depression; 
  • Pushing against boundaries; 
  • Re-evaluating responsibilities; 
  • Feeling worthless or overwhelmed; and 
  • Heavy obligations of all kinds. 

I know it's not personal...this sort of thing could happen to anyone experiencing a "Saturn transit". 

With all that said, I'm here to remind you that even though you'll say you're just doing your job, it is fucking personal to me. And don't even try to fucking tell me that I'm not using dignified language.

Anyway, I wanted you to be very much aware that while I might not have understood what was going on seven years ago when you were squaring my natal Saturn, I "get it" now. 
I'm onto you, Old Man. And while it may have taken me more than 40 years to figure it out, you can bet that I'm going to put that knowledge to good use. 

The point is simple: I've got way too much fun stuff going on this summer and fall to allow you to ruin it. Check this out: My sister is dropping in for a visit in a few days. My niece's birthday is later this week, and my oldest niece leaves for graduate school in a few weeks. My 20th wedding anniversary is coming up in early August. I start astrology college in September at the Midwest School of Astrology, and I've got a fantastic cruise vacation then, too. I know a number of special people getting married this fall, and I've got the State of the Art (SOTA) astrology conference in October, during my birthday. In November, the next game in a series that I LOVE is coming out. I've got Roller Coaster Tycoon Platinum just waiting for me on my computer right now. And in addition to all this, Jen's got some books coming out. While you may abhor fiction, they're important to her and to me, and a legitimate cause for celebration.

St. Augustine once said of astrology, "The stars may impel, but they cannot compel." There's no doubt that you will have an influence on me, as you always have and always will. But in the end, how I react to your bullshit is my choice.

I do have tremendous respect for you, Old Man, so I'm taking the time to make absolutely sure there's no misunderstanding between us. So please read the next paragraph very carefully. Take your time and peruse it until understanding occurs.

For the record, I categorically, absolutely and totally REFUSE to acquiesce to your "episodes". I will not allow you to dictate, manipulate or otherwise attempt to control my behavior. You can push, but I can push back harder...have you MET ME? You helped create me, so you ought to know. But go ahead and test me. I will pass with flying colors and flip you off while I do it, laughing all the way.

I don't think you get who you're fucking dealing with, Old Man. But you're about to find out.

I wish you an amazing summer and fall, because that's what I intend to have, in spite of your attempts to derail them.

I look forward to your inevitable reply.

Very truly yours,

John

Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Open Letter to Mercury: Enough With the Retrograde Fuckery!


Dear Mercury,


I'd like to take a moment to address your current retrograde. While I don't normally use my natal planetary placements as an excuse for my behavior, you'll excuse me in this case if, by virtue of your location in Scorpio in my chart, I use terms that might seem vulgar, crude, or downright inappropriate. You could also blame transiting Mars in Gemini, if you prefer, but I digress. 

I know Saturn may not appreciate my methods of doing business, but at least he will appreciate my candor in pointing out your shortcomings. 

I've had it with this retrograde, you consummate motherfucker. I can't begin to express my loathing for it, as it's been the worst one for the people in my world for some time. I'll give you credit for one thing: You do know how to fuck shit up, that's for certain. 

In short, this retrograde has been, to quote my friend Erica, "totally fucktrocious."


Normally, when it comes to you I can be pretty calm about your retrograde periods. I can tell people "It won't last forever" and advise them to take precautions and the like. This time I want to tell people not to communicate at all unless it's vital. Forget big conversations; even routine conversations are misunderstood right now. I'm losing time checking every email and document I work with 75 times for mistakes because just one could cause a part of my world to come crashing down. How do you expect people to apply for a new job or heaven forbid interview while you're like this?

What the technology fuck is wrong with you? You're fucking with my cable and Wifi now, too, you miserable little shit. I was watching the Women's World Cup last night and don't think I didn't see those moments when the picture started pixellating. A few times we lost our signal. Lucky for you we got it back; how dare you fuck up while the US Women's Soccer Team goes for it all! I try to calm down and watch videos like a Siamese cat singing the "Game of Thrones" theme, or a similar version with goats, just for laughs...when they decide to load, that is. And I've got phone calls dropping in my house again, too, and that shit is annoying!

For the record, if you think my friend Megan calling you a filthy whore was embarrassing, just use your mind and think about the entire LIST of names I may have called you in the silence of what some may refer to as a brain these past few weeks. My vocabulary is pretty extensive, and I'm pulling new swearwords in German from video games to supplement because I'm running out. I think "slavering goatfucker" or "quivering bag of entrails" were two of my personal favorites.

On behalf of myself and my readers, I need you to GET A FUCKING GRIP immediately because this shit has got to stop. If it doesn't, I will verbally assault you so severely that "filthy whore" will seem like the nicest compliment you'll ever receive.

Get your ass to 4 Gemini and end this fuckery right fucking now, you pissant.

Fuck you very much,

John

Friday, June 5, 2015

Book Review: Paganism 101: An Introduction to Paganism by 101 Pagans



When someone asks me “What’s a Pagan?”, it can be a very hard question to answer. Like Christianity, which has many different sects, Paganism has a number of important religious traditions under its “umbrella”, including druidry, heathenry, Wicca, Witchcraft, and a number of others. And if you ask any one Pagan what their religion is about, you are going to receive answers that vary wildly from person to person.

Paganism 101 is a collection of articles from different Pagan traditions organized by theme. It’s divided into three main parts: “Who We Are”, “What We Believe”, and “What We Do”. It’s further separated into different categories with an introduction of a number of the different Pagan “paths”, and specific chapters on nature, the afterlife, and various aspects of spellwork such as herbalism, ritual, and healing.

One section of the book that took me by surprise addressed “Christo-Pagans”, a term that encompasses those who choose Jesus as a God and Mary as a Goddess, generally speaking. I’ve met quite a number of folks who follow it, and it appears to be becoming quite popular. Both Pagans and Christians say that you cannot be both Pagan and Christian, a number of stories in this book would show you that this is not the case.

As I looked through the table of contents, the Ethics portion of Part 2 jumped out at me immediately. This is often a very interesting area to look at, as each different path or tradition in the umbrella could have its own moral code. Some of the more universal themes include belief in the threefold law—both good and bad are returned to you three times as good or bad—respect for the earth, and openness toward human sexuality in whatever form it takes.

Of all of the ethics articles, Mary Caelsto wrote the one I liked the most and it really resonated with me. Having different moral codes does not absolve us from personal responsibility, and to allow bad behavior to occur without consequence means that we are not following our own code. We must accept the consequences our actions have not only on ourselves, but also on those around us. It’s a simple and profound message that modern Pagans need to hear.

One of the things I like most about this book is that it welcomed all paths and put them on an equal footing. I’ll say right now that as I read through this book, there were things I didn’t agree with. If you are a practicing Pagan and you read this book, you are going to have the same thing happen. I look at that as a good thing. You don’t have to agree with every practice of another Pagan path; you just have to respect that what they are doing is every bit as valid as what you are doing.

Overall, I liked this book and think it makes a great reference, especially for those who are considering different Pagan traditions. But reading this book really showed how similar many of the paths truly are.

Editor: Trevor Greenfield

Moon Books, 2014

$18.95

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Letters from Saturn: Who Cares About Mercury Retrograde? Suck it up!

Dear Readers, 

John is once again sucked into a video game. Well, actually, technically he's sucked into two video games, but not both at once. He's wasting time as usual. 

If he's not killing Nazis on the TV downstairs he's building fictional cities with fictional people, with fictional needs, in a fictional world. At least with the cities he's building something that might stand the test of time, metaphorically of course since he can delete that city out of existence anytime he likes. 

I don't pretend to even understand what joy can be seen in games--personally, business accounting, self-loathing, and cutting off Cupid's wings are more my speed--but I digress. 


Saturn Cutting off Cupid's Wings with a Scythe
By Ivan Akimov (1802) (Wikipedia)

While he's otherwise "occupied", it's a good time for me to offer my opinion on the current astrological situation involved with my brother/sister planet, Mercury. 

Everyone loses their ever-loving minds when that little planet goes retrograde. I'm in retrograde just around 40% of the time and no one says a word. The outer planets are retrograde even more than I am. Astrologers barely care about that anyway. 

And if you're going to get really excited about something in astrology, how about focusing on my squares and oppositions to your natal Saturn, which will truly test you every seven years, or my returns at 30, 60 and 90, where you re-evaluate your life's responsibilities? Mercury is so...ephemeral. Nothing lasts with him. You never know where he is, and honestly, he will say damn near anything. No dignity or respect in a planet like that.  

John often offers advice about what people do when Mercury goes retrograde, so I think I will give some of my own. SUCK IT UP. 

That's right...SUCK. IT. UP. 

Your phone not getting your emails and text messages fast enough? Did one of your appointments get cancelled unexpectedly? Did you get charged twice the last time you were eating out? Let me ask one more question: Who cares? Not me. 

Blaming Mercury is just another way for you to pin all your problems on factors that are beyond your control. But you have the ultimate control in how you react to things. Take some responsibility for your lives instead of getting all riled up about one more orb in the sky. 

How about doing something constructive during this time instead of wallowing in self-pity? Maybe your life plan needs to be re-tooled, and this is a great time for it. 

Personally, I don't see any dignity in "freaking out", as Mars would say, three to four times a year. Just look at yourselves and how you're behaving. Totally juvenile, if you ask me.

Your time is precious, and I sincerely appreciate your attention to this important message, despite the fact that I've seen the need to bring one of your many shortcomings into the light. Stop worrying about Mercury and start exercising some self-restraint in your complaints about him/her; you're only making yourself look more foolish. The fact that John publicizes it...well, I'll have to take that up with him. AGAIN. 

To reiterate: Suck it up!

Very truly yours,

Saturn

PS: That painting above should show you how serious I am: I cut off Cupid's wings one time. Ahhhh...those were the days, let me tell you.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Mercury Retrograde: Meeting of the (Classical) Minds?

Sun: Allright, everyone settle down, please. Let's call this meeting to order. Madame Moon, if you would call the roll?

Moon: Yes, sir. Mercury?

Mercury: Yeah, definitely, I mean, yeah. I'm here. Did you think I wouldn't be? Who said something?

Moon: Venus?

Venus: Yes, Lady Moon.

Moon: Mars?

Mars: Fuck yeah!

Moon: Jupiter?

Jupiter: I'm physically present, but why are any of us really here?

Sun: No waxing philosophical, Jupiter, please. Thank you!

Moon: Saturn?

Saturn: Lady, I do not shrink from this responsibility; I welcome it! 

Moon: [slight eyeroll] All present and accounted for, sir. 

Sun: Thank you, Madame Moon.  Please record in the minutes that this is a special session of classical planets only to address our current crisis.  

Moon: I had a feeling you would tell me to do that, sir, so I went ahead and put it on tonight's printout. 

Sun: Always a step ahead, Madame. I love that about you! [Moon blushes]. I've convened tonight's special session to discuss what's happening with a certain...shall we say, recurring situation, and Saturn, before you accuse the outer planets of shirking their responsibilities, I excused them from this meeting. 

Saturn: Sir, they do have a tendency to go off on their own. Section 15, Paragraphs 2-6 of the Astrological Code of Conduct state that "All members will be present for mandatory meetings unless the member or members have requested their absence in writing no less than three (3) days after the time when the meeting is announced..."

Sun: Thank you, Saturn, but I don't think any of us need citations from the ACC right now. The point is that the crisis affects us more, so I've called in only those of us present now. [PAUSE] At this particular time, Mercury's retrograde is having an exceptionally negative impact on what's happening on earth. I'd like to hear from each of you in turn to share information you may have heard. Saturn, assuming you can limit yourself [chuckle] to about sixty seconds, I'd like you to go first. 

Saturn: Yes, sir. There are widespread reports of the standard Mercury retrograde...ummm...

Mars: Dude, the term you want is "fuckery"!

Sun: That'll do, Mars. You were saying, Saturn...?

Saturn: Yes, lots of nonsense and tumult--flotsam and jetsam, if you will--this time around with Merc's retrograde. A lot of your standard effects but some are pretty severe and widespread. It's not a pretty picture at all. I'm trying to keep it reined in but to be honest, I'm not having much success at this time. 

Sun: Jupiter, you're next. 

Jupiter: Sir, we're trying to spread the message far and wide about the dangers of Mercury's retrograde period. Uranus and I discussed it and he told me tons of information is going up on social media to sensitize the people to the dangers. While the publishing world always goes into a tailspin at this time, the ideas are still getting out there. 

Sun: Thanks, Jove. Mars?

Mars: Dude, what in the blue fuck is happening? This shit is for realzies. We have people shooting off their mouths, starting fights with other people, storming off and causing more havoc. I just moved into Gemini last week and some real shit went down when that happened. Since Mercury has control of me in Gemini, I feel like it's been one argument after another...and people are jumping to conclusions and then acting on that shit. I mean, really, who the fuck does that? There have been some really killer flounces, though!

Sun: Enlighten me, Mars. What's a "flounce"?

Mars: When someone gets upset and stalks off, either in person or on an Internet site, and has a pissy rant before s/he takes off. Totally awesome! Regretsy had a whole bunch of good flounces from overly emotional fucktards. [Looks at Venus]. Whoops! Sorry babe. That's all I have. 

Sun: Learn something new every day. The "flounce", huh? Eloquent as usual, Mars. Venus?

Venus: Lots of hurt feelings and disappointment these days. I think people's expectations in a lot of areas are just not being met right now. Vacations are getting booked, cancelled, then re-booked, and then shortened...you give someone something to look forward to and then you take it away because of some manufactured emotional crisis? It's really heavy. I just feel bad for all of them. But people's feelings are definitely confused at the moment. I'm not looking forward to going retrograde myself in a few months. 

Sun: Thanks, mighty Aphrodite. OK, Mercury, give it to us as straight as you can. Whiskey tango foxtrot is going on down there with you?

Mercury: Well, sir, as you may know, hahaha, I'm retrograding backward through Gemini, and uh, well, that's one of my favorite signs...but things are kinda unstable. Back and forth, back and forth, I can't seem to keep the energy flowing in one direction. It's annoying, I tell you. I can't stand all the...you know...what is that word again?

Mars: "Fuckery"?

Mercury: Thanks, dude. Fuckery is the perfect word. And it doesn't help that I'm getting so much negative input from everyone here. And people on earth know what's up...no one knows what happens when any of the rest of you go retrograde but everyone blames me when I do. 

Moon: That's terrible! They do the same thing to me during that time of the month, even when it's not my fault!

Mercury: Thanks, Lady...I try not to listen to the noise because everyone inflates all of their Mercury retrograde stories and problems, as if nothing ever fucks up unless I'm in retrograde. If I listen to it then I overthink it and then we really start to go downhill. I've got astrologers all over the world writing about me. This one blogger said one of his friends called me a "filthy whore"! That one single person is upset because the mighty Mercury has seen fit to take out all of all of her office equipment except for the one old piece of shit printer that she wants me to fry and I haven't done it...

Sun: Uh, Mercury, I think we're getting off track...

Mercury: But I have news for that bitch, let me tell you! Tell you what...I'm not killing that fucking printer until I'm GOD DAMNED GOOD AND READY TO DO IT! MARK MY WORDS THAT I WILL EXACT MY VENGEANCE! BITCH I KNOW IT ALL...YOUR NAME, YOUR ADDRESS, AND YOUR CELL PHONE, SO I HOPE YOU LIKE WRONG NUMBERS BEEEYOTCH! THINK I'M A FILTHY WHORE NOW?? JUST WAIT!!

Sun: MERCURY! YOU ARE OUT OF ORDER! CALM THE FUCK DOWN!

Mercury: Sorry, sir...I'm in Gemini so I pendulum swing. You know the old joke about the two Geminis? 

Sun: Yes, we all know that joke, Mercury. Probably not the best time to tell it, though. I think we've heard enough from you for the time being. [PAUSE] Mercury's retrograde lasts until the 11th of June and his storm is probably out through the 16th or 17th. So we have tell folks to hunker down until then, people. Action items? Venus?

Venus: I'm going to see if I can get people to postpone overly emotional discussions until Merc is back to normal. Sorry, Mercury. 

Mars: I'm gonna tell people to say the shit they normally wouldn't and get the aggression out of their systems! America fuck yeah! COWABUNGA DUDES!

Sun: Mars, I was looking for something more helpful...

Mars: Dude, that's all I've got. 

Sun: [SIGH] Jupiter? 

Jupiter: I'm just going to keep trying to get the word out about the positives of the retrograde and how not to get their proverbial asses kicked. 

Sun: Sounds good. Old man Saturn, what say you?

Saturn: Sir, I'm going to encourage those in authority to beware of outbursts and try to have them tell their people to cool their mental and communicative apparatus at the moment. I'm also going to try to limit contact between people who may have expressed negative feelings toward each other in the past, at least until Mercury is in direct motion again. 

Sun: Sounds like a good plan, Saturn. Any alibis? Mercury? Anything you would like to say before we adjourn?

Mercury: I totally get a bad rap, but then again, I'm the only one who can say I killed an AC unit in a  doctor's office when it was 90 degrees outside...so maybe I deserve it a little...but I should probably shut up now. 

Sun: Excellent idea, Merc. We're adjourned. Lady, please distribute the notes to all parties, send emails to the outer planets to bring them up to speed. 

Moon: Yes, sir. Already in motion. 

Sun: And Mercury, why don't you come with me to my office, since you love to talk?

Mercury: Well, fuck a doodle do.  

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

"Mercury Retrograde is a Filthy Whore!"


So yeah...the title of this blog was inspired by my friend Megan. Apparently, the only piece of electronic office equipment that is functioning is the horrible printer that she asked Mercury to destroy during a previous retrograde period. And yet it still stays strong. 

Speaking personally, I've been relatively unscathed, though I probably shouldn't be saying that. But this has been a rough time for many people, and if calling Mercury a "filthy whore" will help get you through it, scream away. 

Hang in there, folks. I was hoping this one would be an easy one...but likely not.