Monday, November 30, 2015

Calling Saturn: Acceptance of the "Concrete Shoes"

[Rotary dial phone rings. "Wall Street Week" is on TV in the background.]

Saturn: Hello?

John: Hi Saturn, it's John here. You just opposed by natal Saturn position at 5 Gemini. You rule my chart. I'm the blogger. Is this a good time for you?

Saturn: [Pauses] Of course, of course! This is quite the surprise. It's really you?

John: No, it's Jupiter. Of course it's me, Old Man. How are you doing?

Saturn: I'm fine. I'm just surprised to hear from you, that's all. I wasn't sure we were speaking at the moment. 

John: Well, I can't really text you on that communication device we called a phone during the Truman administration, so I figured a call would have to do. 

Saturn: That's not what I meant. 

John: I know what you meant, Saturn. And I definitely go through periods when I don't want to talk to you at all. This past year, I haven't wanted to most of the time. Some days I want to deny you exist. 

Saturn: OK. How is that strategy that working out for you?

John: Badly, actually. But thanks for asking. 

Saturn: Seems like the least I could do, even if I already knew the answer. [Pause] So while I'm more patient than most of the other planets, I'd like to know the reason for your call.

John: Well, I'm calling to let you know that I accept you.

Saturn: Excuse me?

John: I accept you in my chart and in my life. I'm not just tolerating you; I accept you. I can't change my birth chart, but I can change my life and use your influence to my advantage. I need to learn to be comfortable in the "concrete shoes" you provide me.

Saturn: I HATE that expression, but at least you know you'll be well grounded in reality. You really hate disorganized, flighty people. So do I. See? We've got a lot in common already. 

John: I said I accept you, Saturn, no more and no less. That doesn't mean I like you very much. I'll have to get around to that. 

Saturn: Fair enough. Frankly, I don't like YOU very much some days, especially when you demonize me. I have enough people who want to make me out to be the bad guy, and you, young man, are a champion at it.

John: We all have our talents, Old Man. And I'm sorry you feel that way. Despite the fact that you're not a fan of creativity, the genesis of this entire blog comes from you. So while you do have a tendency to take more credit than you deserve for my life some days, you can take credit for this blog.

Saturn: I still think it should come out on a schedule. But I grudgingly give you credit for persistence. Four years is a long time to be blogging. Your astrological analysis still needs a lot of work, if we're being honest. But once again, you persist in your studies and maybe someday there will be a payoff it in for you if you work hard.

John: I expect nothing less than your total candor, Old Man. I know being positive just isn't really in your makeup. But now that you've passed over 5 Gemini, perhaps I can be more open to your influence in my life. I think I can go that far.

Saturn: Well, young man, I'm not going anywhere, so take your time. You'll come around...eventually. You're at least smart enough to study astrology; most people don't have the drive these days. They're more interested in seeing a long string of people's idiotic life stories told in pieces.

John: Yeah, I just can't see you doing the social media thing. But that's's not for everyone. 

Saturn: See? You're learning to accept me already.

John: Let's not get carried away, Old Man. I'm working on it.

Saturn: Good to know. [Pause] Well, I'm glad we could have this chat. If there's nothing else...

John: No, I think that's it for now. Hey, is that "Wall Street Week" I hear in the background?

Saturn: Of course it is. Time to see how badly the tech stocks tanked today. People should just know better.

John: Good night, Old Man. Sleep well.

Saturn: You too. And remember to keep Saturn in Saturnalia!

Monday, November 23, 2015

Random Meanderings from Jupiter and Saturn

Jupiter: PARTY PEOPLE! Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP for my Archers? It's that time of year again baby! Everything is awesome!

Saturn: Hello everyone. For those of you who missed our intro, you actually haven't, since my counterpart decided not to give our scheduled preamble. 

Jupiter: Oh come on, Old Man! Can't you live a little? Oh wait...what am I saying? Of course you can't! I was getting around to the intro though...

Saturn: [clears throat] John realizes that he has a responsibility to all of you and as such has decided to produce another blog. It's about time, if you ask me. He's been derelict in his duty to all of you. At least that's what I think.

Jupiter: What my very serious and sober colleague--and for those of you playing at home, we mean that literally and figuratively--is trying yet failing to say is that John's been out of the loop for a while and wanted to check back in. There's been a lot going on. 

Saturn: Indeed there has. John has once again taken on the responsibility of National Novel Writing Month, and similar to last year, his performance is lacking. He will not be finishing, as usual. But that would at least give you a partial explanation for his absence. Just a huge waste of time, if you ask me, and yet John stubbornly persists. I do give him credit for determination, though. If only he could take the effort he has given to Fallout 4 and direct it toward more worthy endeavors.

Jupiter: Well, while Negative Ned over here can focus on John's "deferred success" in Nanowrimo, let's talk about John's studies at the Midwest School of Astrology. He's learning a ton and really enjoying his teachers and his classmates. They realized he's not as serious as his astrological chart has made him out to be.

Saturn: Excellent that you brought up the school, Jupiter. John's learned a lot more about me, and the school believes that no planets are bad. Clearly that's a message he needs to hear repeatedly.

Jupiter: Look, Old Man, how can you blame the guy? You just opposed his natal Saturn position. He struggled with it most of the year. You should know better than anyone that time heals many things. 

Saturn: Well said, Jupiter. One point for you. Don't get used to it, though. John also continued his pursuit of his career goals and personal business by attending SOTA in Buffalo, New York, last month. Once again, the presenters really helped me put my best foot forward. But don't think I didn't hear about the moans and groans from certain audience members when I was mentioned. [shakes head sadly] Even in a room full of astrologers, some folks never learn.

Jupiter: And John learned a ton about a number of other topics as well. His presentation went well, and he hopes to have done well enough to be asked back again next year. Now, on to more current matters...

Saturn: Uh, Jupiter, we covered everything John asked us to discuss.

Jupiter: Well, not exactly. Your briefing book for this blog was missing a section that mine has, I suspect. 

Saturn: Was that an oversight?

Jupiter: I'm sure that it was. [smiles]

Saturn: [pause] Go on. 

Jupiter: John's asked me to discuss how to purchase astrological charts for the holidays! You know you want to!

Saturn: Wait just one minute! It was my understanding there would be no marketing in this piece!

Jupiter: Sorry, dude, You should know the drill by now.

Saturn: I understand the desire for business growth and development but if a business has a great reputation then it shouldn't need to advertise, right?

Jupiter: Au contraire, mon frere. It's always good to let people know what you're doing. 

Saturn: [SIGH] That oversight was likely a deliberate attempt to fool me into doing this blog. Just get on with it.

Jupiter: Jolly good! Natal charts and solar returns make great gifts for the holiday season. If you want one or both, let John know. He needs the date, place, and time of your birth to get an accurate chart, so don't leave any out. And get him all that information by December 1 to give him enough time for holiday gift giving. There you go, Saturn. Painless, right? [ruffles Saturn's hair]

Saturn: [glowering] I don't see the point of repeating my earlier statement, Jupiter. [fixes hair]

Jupiter: Well, I to recap...holy shit! Is that that time? I've gotta get out of a party to go to! I'm sure you can finish up here, right? [Jupiter leaves]

Saturn: I don't really think I have a choice, now, do I? [Looks in the direction that Jupiter left and shakes his head]  As you may have noticed, things in the world have become rather turbulent in the last half of 2015, and it's important to take stock of the incredible amount we have in our lives. So in between parties and presents, please take the opportunity to treasure those you hold dear. Also, Small Business Saturday is November 28, so please take the opportunity to help them grow through your patronage. Finally, may the blessings of the holiday season be upon you.  

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Shameless Marketing: Free Spirit by Jennifer Wells

Hello there everyone...Mercury here with another shout out! 

Free Spirit, the long anticipated sequel to Jennifer Wells' Magick Charm, is now available and it's as close as your fingertips! Order your Kindle version here!


Wild child Rachel is having a week so terrible, not even a pitcher of margaritas will help. When her evil boss shows up on her doorstep with a sob story, her request to stay a few nights turns into a whole lot more. She can’t even escape into some of her favorite haunts in the Quarter since she seems to have garnered the unwanted attention of some rabid readers. When her ghost-hunting assignment goes unexpectedly awry, Rachel unknowing releases a vengeful spirit.
Enduring a wicked houseguest and hiding from an over-enthusiastic fan all while trying to put a spirit back in her grave where she belongs is more challenging than sobriety during Mardi Gras. Can she and her family work some magick to put things right in the Crescent City or has Rachel bit off more veggie muffuletta than she can chew?
The first reviews are starting to come out and they're awesome! Here's an excerpt from one on A Bookaholic's Fix (click the link to see the entire review!)

"I absolutely love this book and I look forward to reading more by Wells in the future. Free Spirit is definitely a five-star read and perfect for anyone who loves paranormal with a healthy dose of attitude!"

There you have it. Another triumph from Jennifer Wells! Like you expected any less from one of my chosen people! GO TEAM MERCURY!

Oh, PS: If you haven't read Magick Charm, go buy it while it's still 99 cents because that price won't be around long. Like an apparition, it can disappear into thin air...

Remember that one of the areas I rule is here's a not so subtle of where you can buy your book on Amazon.

Thanks for your attention, good people. We now return you to your world of text messages and social media.

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: The Outer Planets Unite...Sort Of...

Uranus: Hi everyone! Thanks for coming. 

Neptune: Sure, man.

Pluto: Not even sure why I agreed to this. 

Uranus: Well, Pluto, sometimes we have to think of something larger than our individual interests.

Pluto: Why? What's wrong with killing shit with nukes and getting laid?

Neptune: Pluto, I think what Uranus is trying to say is that since the classical planets sometimes meet on their own, we should too.

Uranus: Nep, I didn't actually say that at all.

Neptune: Not with your words, but with your mind you did!

Pluto: Don't fuck with me, you two. I heard a Virgo astrologer over the weekend at this SOTA meeting called you "a lying fuck", Neptune, so don't bother denying it. 

Neptune: OK, fine. But that is not very poetically said...and it's not extremely creative either. At least "The Great Deceiver" has a little more flair. But in this case I had nothing to do with this meeting!

Uranus: Come attention! What I'm talking about is the situation in the sky. The other planets get all the attention, it seems, and I don't like it anymore. 

Pluto: Dude, are you whining?

Uranus: Maybe a little. But if you read any mythology at all, Saturn chopped my dick off a while back, so I have a right to whine, don't you think? 

Pluto: Must have missed that one. At least I got a cartoon character out of it. 

Neptune: What exactly are you suggesting, Urnie?

Uranus: I think we ought to rebel. 

Pluto: I think we have arrived at the reason why I came to this meeting. You want to fuck up some shit! 

Uranus: Yeah I do.

Pluto: I'm in! 

Neptune: Pluto! Urnie, trying to get along has always worked. You want to turn us into curmudgeons like Saturn?

Uranus: Of course not! But there was a ton of information about all of us during this conference. We're really important. So why aren't we in the public eye more? John barely writes about us at all, for example. This is probably the most I've ever gotten to say. 

Pluto: Talk is cheap, U. And John is my guy, so you fuck with him at your peril!

Neptune: Calm down, Pluto. Uranus was just using John as a metaphor, right?

Uranus: Um, Nep, not everything is a metaphor. Sometimes there isn't any subtext to what I am trying to express.

Neptune: Wait, what?

Uranus: I think people need to hear more from us. The other planets get their share of time so why shouldn't we?

Neptune: Sounds like it would take effort, and I don't think stirring up trouble is worth it. 

Uranus: It's totally worth it to me. We need to start doing more talking in meetings and making our voices heard. So Pluto's going to need to speak up.

Pluto: I'm not good at that. You saw what happened when I lost it. No one seemed to give a shit.

Uranus: That's why you need to do it: they still don't know what to make of you in meetings.  That's an advantage.

Pluto: Maybe you're right. [Pauses] Let me think about this. I need a little time.

Uranus: That's fine. Neptune?

Neptune: I'm not in favor. And I don't think I want to talk about this far as I am concerned this meeting never happened.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

Mercury's Initial Report on SOTA 2015

Moon: Go right in, Mercury. The Sun's waiting for you.

Mercury: Thank you, lady. I'd like you to join us for this meeting, if that's OK with the boss. 

Moon: How very thoughtful of you, Mercury! I'll ask him.

Mercury: Of course, Lady...and I know that he's going to tell you everything anyway so why should we make him repeat himself?

Sun: [from the office] Mercury, are you coming in here or not? I've been waiting for this report...

Moon: [gets up from her desk] Give me a moment, Mercury, please. [enters the Sun's office].

Sun: Come on in, Merc.

Mercury: [enters and sits down] Thank you, sir. 

Sun: Good suggestion on asking Lady Moon to be present. She's typing up the report anyway so it makes perfect sense for her to be here. 

Mercury: Glad you agree, sir. [pause] Where should I begin?

Sun: I don't have time for a full "brain dump", Mercury, so start with the most important things, please. 

Mercury: Yes, sir. [pulls out tablet and starts swiping] Here we are. Lots of excellent stuff being discussed. One facet of this conference in particular is how even handed they are about Saturn. There are always a few groans from the audience when he comes up, but the presenters have done a great job giving the positive side of him. He'll be really pleased to hear pleased as he can be. 

Sun: Really? That's outstanding news. Lady, please make sure that Saturn hears that ASAP.

Moon: Yes, sir. I'm on it. 

Mercury: All of us were in conversations about transits that may be positive for love and relationships. Again, the presenter was excellent and very even-handed. 

Moon: Did they mention transits to my nodes? [looks at the sun] Oh, sorry, sir. 

Sun: Go ahead, Lady. Please. 

Moon: Thank you, sir. Anything on transits to my nodes and love, Mercury?

Mercury: Yes, ma'am. Actually there was some stuff on it. I think humans are disappointed that those nodal transits aren't longer because some of them are pretty damn good.

Moon: [Beams] Indeed! 

Sun: What's on the agenda for today?

Mercury: Again, a great schedule chock full of facts. "Astrology and Grief" was this morning, and then this afternoon there's a presentation on declinations over a lifetime. 

Sun: Super important, that last one, and it gets kind of complex, but that's good. If people are going to study us they need to take it seriously. 

Mercury: And they are, sir. Astrology conversations are going on constantly this weekend, before, during and after classes, at receptions and in bars. It's all astrology all the time for this group.

Sun: Excellent. At the next meeting you'll present your findings, right?

Mercury: An abbreviated version, yes, sir. 

Sun: I expect your report by Monday COB, and it will be the framework for any observations that the other planets might have had. We'll send it by email but you know as well as I do that Neptune doesn't read his email half the time. 

Mercury: I had heard that, sir, but I had no evidence to back that up. 

Sun: You can trust me on this one, Merc. [chuckles] I think we're done, Merc, except for one last thing...

Mercury: Sir?

Sun: Our favorite blogger presented this morning. How did he do?

Mercury: I didn't really look into that, was on tarot so I wasn't sure if you'd be interested in it...

Sun: But you must have heard something!

Mercury: Initial reports seem to indicate that he did well, and while I know his presentation skills are solid, I don't have much to back that up.

Sun: Well, John's solar return is tomorrow, so I'm especially keeping an eye on him. [turns to Lady Moon]. Please leave out my interest in John's presentation when you compile the report, Lady, if you would be so kind. Some planets are a little testy these days. 

Moon: These centuries, you mean, sir? Like planets that begin with "S" and end with "aturn"?

Sun: Lady! [sighs] Mercury, you are forbidden from broadcasting that. The last thing I want is the greater malefic with something to hold over me. 

Mercury: I'll do my best, sir. 

Sun: Do better than your best, Mercury. I expect your report in two days. 

Mercury: Yes, sir. I'm off. [runs out of the room]

Moon: Sorry. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, boss. 

Sun: Luna, please don't say anything like that in front of the chatterbox of the astrological planets ever again. Him or Uranus, actually.

Moon: Yes, sir. [low voice] He's still a prick. [leaves the office]

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: SOTA 2015

Sun: OK, people, settle down, please. Time to make the donuts. Lady Moon, how's our attendance today?

Moon: Sir, we're working with a skeleton crew...looks like Venus, Mars, and Jupiter are all out right now. 

Sun: Wait...those three are out, and Neptune is here?

Moon: Yes, sir. 

Mercury: I heard those three were getting together soon, sir. This weekend, I thought. 

Sun: We're conjunct with each other at various times, but what I don't understand us why they didn't show up. Did you check the Facebook page?

Mercury: I just looked. Nothing, sir. 

Saturn: Sir, there has to be some sanction for this or else the behavior will continue. I for one am sick of having my time wasted.

Neptune: You're just incapable of rolling with it, aren't you, Old Man?

Saturn: Neptune, you have no standing to criticize me since you can never even be on time. I haven't missed a meeting since we started having them. 

Pluto: Don't be a prick. 

Saturn: [turns to Pluto] Excuse me? Were you talking to ME?

Pluto: You answered to it, right, prick? [snickers]

Saturn: I think it was better when you didn't say anything in meetings, Pluto. Why can't we go back to the days when we only had the classical planets? Those were the days...

Sun: Saturn, Pluto has every right to be here, as do Uranus and Neptune.

Pluto: And everyone knows you don't like us, Old Man.

Saturn: Well, you outer planets are at least present, so I'll give them a tiny bit more credit than I normally would. Though that's still not much, I'll admit...

Mercury: Wait, a picture just came in on the Facebook page. [pause] Oh that a video of Jupiter trying to play Dance Dance Revolution with Venus and Mars observing? Looks like he's having a seizure, not dancing. WOW. [pause] I get they feeling they're not coming to the meeting, sir. 

Sun: Well there's an astrology conference going on this weekend in Buffalo, NY, and we were going to look at the agenda and see how our messages are getting out. 

Uranus: Sir, we already see some social media action on it. There's not much, but technically the full conference doesn't begin until Friday morning.

Sun: Well, OK then. I guess we move on without them. I want everyone to pay attention to the social media buzz on this and see what information about each of us is going out. I also understand that your favorite blogger, John, is going to be there, Old Man. 

Saturn: I don't want to talk about him right now, sir. You know why.

Sun: [glowers at Saturn and speaks softly] You know, I'm getting sick of your shit, Saturn. You've been acting like a jerk since you walked in here. [pause and at full voice] All of you have your assignments, so go to it. I expect reports by COB Monday. Now please clear the room, except for Saturn. Lady Moon, please send my instructions to the Facebook page so Venus, Mars, and Jupiter complete their assignments. 

Moon: Yes, sir. You heard him, please. Clear the room. 

[Everyone else rises and leaves the room except the Sun and Saturn]

Sun: Saturn, you have no reason to be pissed at John. In fact, he's got more of a reason to be angry at YOU because of what you've been putting him through all spring and summer. He's handling it better than you, you know that?

Saturn: Sir, with all due respect, I don't appreciate...

Sun: [quietly] Saturn, don't piss me off. The way to do that is not to speak. [pause] I'm only going to say this once: Get the fuck over yourself. I'm very weary of your complaints. They've been going on for centuries. Some of that is an occupational hazard, I get that. But I don't want to hear any more sob stories about how everyone hates you, or about how some fat bastard is writing a blog you don't like. DO YOUR FUCKING JOB and keep quiet about it. Goodbye. 

Monday, October 19, 2015

Shameless Marketing: Upcoming Events!

Hello everyone...I've finally managed to wrest my blog back from the astrological planets. And there was much rejoicing! Yaaaaaaaaay!

Anyway, there's a lot going on in my life right now. The most important event coming up for me is the SOTA (State of the Art) Astrology Conference in Cheektowaga, NY, this coming week. I'll be leaving Wednesday and coming home Sunday night. I'm looking forward to meeting some old friends and making some new ones. Two of my dear sisters--the Mercury twins, I call them--will be coming with me on this great journey, and I'm very much looking forward to it. I'll also be meeting Pam and Diane, my teachers at the Midwest School of Astrology, as well as one of my classmates. It should be a great time!

My presentation is Saturday morning on "The Queens of the Tarot", and I hope that if you live in the Buffalo area or find yourself there you'll at least come out and see the conference's trade room, which is free to anyone. Half-day passes are also available so check out the program and if you're interested, come on over!

Two interesting things have happened this fall regarding my tarot business. I've been there two weekends in October and haven't seen many clients, which is odd because usually I'm extremely busy. The second is that Halloween is on a Saturday night, good people, and I'm not booked for a tarot party yet. This totally confuses me because I'm usually turning people away for Halloween. Anyway, there's still time...if you want to make your Halloween party a little extra special, drop me a line and we'll see what we can set up!

Also in the realm of shameless marketing, my beloved, Jennifer Wells, is releasing the long-awaited sequel to Magick Charm on October 26th! It's call Free Spirit and it's available on Kindle; you can even pre-order it if you like. I'm so proud of her achievement! Writing a book is really hard work, which is likely why none of my books have seen the light of day yet. Here's a meme that seems to work nicely for writers:

Anyway, here's the link to pre-order it! Told you it was shameless marketing! 

If you live in Northern VA, I hope to see you at for our Samhain ritual on October 28 from 6-9pm. I'll be reading cards but I'll also be participating in the ritual, which is open to all. If you've never been and you're looking for a welcoming Pagan community, look no further!

I've also updated my tarot schedule through the end of the year at the links to your right. 

Thanks as always for your attention and patronage. Blessed Samhain to all! I hope to see you across my table soon. :)