Friday, May 27, 2016

Venus Speaks Out Against Strife and Discord

Dear John,

I was thrilled being the "star" of your astrology class last night! And it seemed like even though it was a "class", people were comfortable and had a good time. In the end, that's what counts, right?

And thank the Goddess it's FRIDAY! I know you're looking forward to a long weekend! :)

Your decision has caused a lot of...discord, shall we say? Yes, discord. Mercury's distracted, waiting around for news. Jupiter just sits around drafting press releases. It's kind of sad.

Anyway, I really would like you to tell me your secret. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I just feel like holding it in isn't...well, comfortable at all. It's good news, right? It feels GOOD to share good news. And I'd like to share it with you. One of the best parts of life is sharing your good news with people who care--your loved ones. And I'm sure I speak for all of them when I say please please please with pure sugar on top--none of that fake sugar crap!--could you let us in on it?



Thursday, May 26, 2016

Jovial Jabs from Jupiter

Dear John,

This whole "secret" angle you've got going on is against everything I believe in. You want to be open and honest with people, right? Well, honest people don't keep secrets, especially not when it's good news.

I'm prepared to take it on faith that your news IS good if you're doing such an excellent job of keeping everyone in the dark. But why? What is your ultimate goal?

Anyway, this scenario just seems like a poorly thought out, short-term attempt to boost your numbers, and while I like the philosophy, the execution sucks.

And the secret is rumored to be "good" why is it still a secret? I don't get you, unless the news is bad bad. Forget what I just said...I still don't get it. 

If your ultimate goal is to get more readers, then by all means screw the rest of these planets, especially the malefics! I mean come on...who really wants to hear about Mars and his fits of temper and ever-present erections, or Saturn and his depressed demeanor that make watching commercials for anti-depressants for hours on end seem like a good time? Maybe we can keep Venus around, and I should really be more of a star. Mercury gets too much ink here as well; little fucker can never stay direct long enough anyway. 

Speaking of Mercury, he has been texting everyone non-stop since this whole thing started and it's starting to get on everyone's nerves. We always have to brace ourselves for his return and you're really making it harder on us up here. So fuck you very much! 

Who's there for you every single week of astrology college? I was. And I was there for your wedding return was less than a month from that special occasion. All those lucky breaks you've had? That was me. So I've been there for you, man. I'm asking for this one favor, and I won't even give you the false promise that I won't tell anyone.

Did you catch that? I value you so much that I'll tell you up front that I will tell every single motherfucker in creation about your news when I find out what it is. I won't lie to you and say I'll keep your secret, and let it slip, like Mercury, or help you keep secrets, like Lady Moon. Oh no...with me it's full disclosure. I'll treat you with dignity. Which of the other astrological planets can say THAT?

In closing, I'll just remind you that I'm the planet of abundance, and I have blessed you abundantly. If you'd like an abundance of scrotal pimples, hornets' nests by your front door, or travel difficulties on your trip out west this fall, by all means continue to deny me that information.



Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Mercury Suffering from Information Underload!

Dear Jerkface Astrology Blogger,

So you're not very helpful, you know?

I'm trying not to be a stalker, but you ought to know what pisses me off. And what pisses me off is a lack of information. To put it in your terms, "What we have here is a failure to communicate."

I've texted you multiple times and yet you still haven't gotten back to me. I know for a fact that you have at least one device on you at all times, and you're always connected, so don't try to play the accessibility argument. 

I'm just getting back into the swing of things after my retrograde, but I'm on a wild goose chase of rumor, innuendo, and "circular reporting" about your "secret". When people repeat what they heard and then quote the other person as having said it, that's not hard data...that's just the 24-hour news cycle in a nutshell.

You can play your Saturnian communication games all you want by ignoring me, you little bastard. But that's not the way people should treat each other, and I think I deserve better than that. I haven't pissed off your readers too much recently, have I? No one calling me a "filthy whore" and all that? Well, where's the love? More importantly, where's the data? Where are the facts? What's the scoop?

Information is INTERESTING, and you of all people should KNOW how I get when I don't have information. And I'm not even back up to full speed; you don't want to see me in full-on Gemini/Virgo mode.

I've been so busy trying to figure out what your secret that I missed my deadline this morning. So this evening will just have to do. 

Did you forget how much I could mess with your life? You have, as I recall, a wife and two very dear friends whose Sun are ruled by yours truly. If you won't spill, maybe one of them will. I'll start with the Gemini one because they love to dish it, but maybe I can convince the Virgo to help a brother out.

And aren't you teaching a class tomorrow? Would you like to be able to access your lecture notes during class on your cool little iPad? Venus would be pretty upset if you couldn't...and so would your students. 

Please don't force me to get conniving, which I don't do particularly well. I want to communicate exactly what the consequences might be if you don't start spilling it. Don't make me spell it out for you. Laryngitis? Burned tongue? What's it going to take?

No, the Moon's not talking. I already tried. Composing romantic poetry for her didn't even work and I had Neptune's help. Sure, he was not exactly sober, but it's always after 5:00pm on Neptune, so that's not even news, but I was SURE it would work... 

I'd love to congratulate you if I knew what it was FOR, but until I do...I'll just have to keep texting you. 


P.S. Jerkface. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

A Martian Meritorious Message


Been thinking about you! I came out with half my face painted bright yellow and the other half bright green to support les canaris in Paris a week ago. But FC Nantes went down, and went down hard, to Paris Saint-Germain. 

I hope you didn't waste time watching the game; even as a die-hard fan, when your arch rival runs you through like a pig on a sharp pike on the world soccer stage that's GOTTA HURT. At least a large contingent of fans made the trek from La Beaujoire knowing full well this was the likely result, and being at the game was a good time. It's one of the few Mars things I've done since I've been here, except see all of the war monuments...and there are a ton.

And dude, you call yourself a fan and you've never seen them play live? What the fuck...?

Anyway, I'm totally on retrograde but I wanted to send along this note, assuming it gets through since Merc isn't really back up to full speed yet. 

I've been getting some cryptic text messages and I get the feeling something is going on with you. But I'm not getting the full story. Don't get me wrong...I love the Moon as much as the next planet, but she's NOT the person who should be transmitting messages. It's like you're getting half the story. Mercury has already asked for more information but there's been no response.

It sounds like whatever this thing may be is a good thing, so I'm happy for that. If your action caused it to happen, even better. You've gotta go after what you want.

So I'm going to jet. I'll hit you up when I get back.

Just do it,


Monday, May 23, 2016

The Mysterious Moon's Meandering Message

Dear John,

You haven't told them yet, have you? Keeping things close to the vest again? Good for you!

You understand that I'm not going to be the one to tell anyone, but I can't say the same for my colleagues up here. 

I can think of at least two planets that are going to really make some noise when they find out. I say "when" because they will find out, John. We're all a bunch of gossips up here...except for Saturn...and maybe Pluto. And I can certainly keep a secret or seven. 

Allright, maybe we're ALL not gossips, but you can bet that a few of these planets are going to make a big deal of it. Just fair warning, young man.

Does anyone else know? Well, I guess that part isn't my business. But since I do know your little secret, I come to you on this "Moonday" to be the first of many to give you my congratulations and best wishes.


Lady Moon 

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Jupiter vs. the Sun: Jupiter Returns!

Jupiter: Hello there, young lady! Miss me? [smiles]

Moon: [blushes] Jove, you charmer! [picks up the phone] Sir, Jupiter's reporting back in after his retrograde. Shall I send him in? [Pause] Very well. [Hangs up] The Sun will see you now. 

Jupiter: We'll talk again soon, Lady. [winks and opens the Sun's office door] Good morning, sir!

Sun: Good morning, Jupiter! Welcome back. How was the retrograde?

Jupiter: Well, what I remember of it was fantastic. What I don't remember about it was probably even better...

Sun: [holds up a hand, laughing] As long as you didn't get in any trouble that requires my intervention, I don't need or want the details. Just knowing that you and Neptune were together in New Orleans was enough to scare me a little.

Jupiter: We had a great time, but that Neptune can really hold his liquor! I was impressed. 

Sun: Well I'm glad you had a good time. Are you ready to go back to work? I know we all missed you!

Jupiter: I sure am, sir. Raring to go as usual!

Sun: Awesome. Is there anything I can do to make your return smoother?

Jupiter: Very kind of you to ask, sir. There is one thing. Can I close the door?

Sun: Absolutely. [Jupiter closes door] So what's on your mind?

Jupiter: Well, I see that our intrepid blogger made another trip to Cincinnati in April.

Sun: Yes, he did. Another triumph! He specifically mentioned your positive influence on that trip; he and his wife made a vacation out of it and hit a casino on the way out there. They had a wonderful time!

Jupiter: I'm so glad. I'm still the ruler of those trips, am I not?

Sun: Well, Jupiter, that's kind of a sticky wicket. The first time you were for sure, because it was an adventure and John had never been there before. But now it's part of John's routine, so I was planning to hand over this trip to Mercury.

Jupiter: I have a fundamental philosophical disagreement with that, sir. 

Sun: Color me surprised. But you know the rules: You get the long ones that are spiritual or philosophical; he gets the routine trips. I don't understand how on this one it stopped being fair somehow, since that's the way we've always done it. But I suppose if you're going to plead your case, you're the perfect planet to do it. I suppose it's unavoidable. So go ahead. 

Jupiter: Sir, hear me out. The main purpose for John to go to Cincinnati is astrology college. That is considered "higher education" and is clearly in my purview. The vacation he added to it is just icing on the cake and only reinforces my influence. To give it to Mercury simply because John's done it more than once is preposterous. He's not commuting there daily or anything!

Sun: Jupiter, those trips are routine and will be occurring for the next several years as he completes his studies. I see your point, but...

Jupiter: With all due respect, sir, if you understood my point of view, we wouldn't be having this discussion at all! This is my lane in the road, and Mercury doesn't belong in it, since John got out of elementary school a while ago!

Sun: There's no need to get so riled up over this, Jupiter. Honestly. I can assign these particular trips jointly to the both of you. 

Jupiter: To be blunt, sir, that's not being truly fair to me. Mercury's influence over those trips is tertiary at best. And my judgment is a lot better than Mercury's. I'm not the one who wanted to send John over mountain roads during a snowstorm based purely on GPS data and the lack of fucking tolls!

Sun: Jupiter, that's beneath you. You of all the planets should be able to make a good argument without disparaging one of your colleagues. Am I right?

Jupiter: Merc would be first to tell you that he fucked up with that one, sir. He was in retrograde and you know what happens when he's out there...

Sun: I do. I've been hearing about it for a few weeks now. John has made a believer out of a few folks because of Mercury's nonsense. But that's beside the point. I think we need to table this discussion for now. 

Jupiter: Why? 

Sun: Mercury isn't here. I want to get his input on this before I make a final decision.

Jupiter: It's your decision to make, sir. I don't agree with waiting when you have all the information you need to make it now.

Sun: Tough shit. It's my call and I'll make it when I damn well please. [smiles] Anything else I can do for you?

Jupiter: No, sir. I know the world has missed me, so I need to spread some good cheer. [gets up and opens the door] Have a lovely day, sir. [walks out and passes the Moon's desk]

Moon: He's gone, sir. 

Sun: [to himself] These planets get back from retrograde and start driving me nuts, for fuck's sake! [Louder] Could you send Mercury and Jupiter an email please, Luna? I'll need a convenient time to meet with them once Mercury returns from retrograde. Don't give them a meeting agenda; I don't want Mercury to take a break from his retrograde and write me a long-ass message containing HIS reasons why it would be his purview and not Jupiter's. I'm sure it wouldn't be what he really wanted to say anyway.

Moon: Certainly. [writes down notes in Erin Condren planner] Sol?

Sun: Yes, Luna?

Moon: I've got to agree with Jupiter on this one.

Sun: I can't make a call without hearing from both of them, Luna. And I don't want to talk about this anymore today, okay?

Moon: I understand. Probably good for you to take a quick break. I restocked the refrigerator by your desk with Capri Suns in your favorite flavor: Tropical punch. 

Sun: Awwww yissssss!

Monday, May 9, 2016

The Luminaries: Shortening an Ego Trip?

Sun: Anything on my schedule today, Luna?

Moon: No, sir. Nothing at all. Are you all caught up on your paperwork?

Sun: Yeah. Everything should be in your inbox.

Moon: I've already processed everything so we're up to date.

Sun: Excellent! And before I forget, you can "lose" the required filing to the ACC Board about John...we had a discussion and worked things out.

Moon: I wasn't sending that bullshit in anyway.

Sun: [PAUSE] Wait...what?

Moon: Calling him to the carpet was a dick move, Sol. You KNOW you were always a part of his curriculum. I get the feeling that was just an ego trip. When he spends time on the "Sun signs", who do you think he's focused on? Spoiler alert: It's not any other planet but you.

Sun: Luna...

Moon: Oh, don't Luna me, Sol. You know I won't call you out in front of others, but you can't tell me honestly that you thought John was neglecting you.

Sun: Well he was! Kind of. I mean, he wasn't being very specific about my influence in his classes. So I figured a little counseling was in order. Would you rather it have been me or Saturn?

Moon: Saturn had no skin in this game, Sol. And the Board wouldn't have cared less. So there goes that pretext. And what do we have left? EGO. Admit it.

Sun: I forget how tough you can be, Luna. [laughs] I guess I was feeling bad that you get a lot more attention in his class than I do.

Moon: Come're the most powerful astrological body and you have to bully a blogger who likes us on a trumped-up charge? That was low.

Sun: But clearly the end justifies the means, Luna, at least in this case. I have reports that the class was fantastic. John's students really GOT me. And John even used some unusual terms to introduce the concept of essential dignity. Apparently, in Leo I'm "sunny", and in Aries I'm "mostly sunny", but in Libra I'm "partly cloudy" and in Aquarius I'm "overcast". He hasn't told his class the real words yet, but that's OK. Everything in due time. But they REALLY got it.

Moon: Don't change the subject, Sol. I'm not prepared to write off your rationalization of jerking the poor guy around. But I'm glad the class went well, and that you finally got your "day in the Sun" if you will. Wow, I can't believe I just said that.

Sun: And guess who is on John's agenda this week, Luna? That would be YOU. 

Moon: That young man works with me a lot, and I know him well. He always does me justice. I'm not going to be "sunny", though...John will have to come up with something different for me. I've heard him use the term "Hoover Dam" for his Moon in Capricorn, so maybe it's a water image of some kind. That would make sense.

Sun: Indeed it would. I'm excited to hear about it.

Moon: Let's not lose sight of the fact that you really do owe John an apology, Sol. He's working his ass off, teaching astrology and dedicating his life to get to know us and help others to do so, and he deserved better.

Sun: OK, Luna. I get it, I get it. Let's compose a letter...

Moon: No, Sol. You get to write this one. I'll look it over when you're done to make sure the appropriate amount of contrition is coming through.

Sun: OK. Where will you be?

Moon: [Gets up from desk] I'm going out to lunch with 
Venus. [smiles] See you when I get back. 

Sun: Can you bring me back some...

Moon: Sunflower seeds? They're in your second drawer. Now go write! [walks out the office door]

Sun: I love that woman.