Monday, May 2, 2016

John vs. The Sun: A Day of Reckoning

John: Good morning, Lady Moon. The Sun asked to see me?

Moon: Oh yes, John, I had a feeling you'd be coming in today. One moment, please. I'll let him know you're here. [picks up phone] Sir, he's here. [PAUSE] Yes, sir. I'll send him in. [hangs up] Go right in, young man. [smiles]

John: Thank you, Lady. You are as beautiful as you are mysterious. 

Moon: [blushes slightly] And your reputation as a charmer is well-known, as is your reputation for pissing off the greater malefic. I don't know which one impresses me more. [beams]

[Office door opens]

Sun: John! So good of you to come. I feared you had been waylaid! And judging by the Lady Moon's scarlet complexion, I'd say you were laying it on a bit thick.

Moon: Leave him alone, Sol. He knows how to take care of those who take care of him. [sly wink]

John: Sorry, sir. Your lady is rather distracting, I'll admit. But I meant no offense...

Sun: None taken, John. Men have been charmed by my Luna for centuries. But perhaps you can exchange pleasantries after we speak.

John: Where is my mind? I know how busy you are, sir...

Moon: Nonsense! With five planets retrograde we're just spinning in our orbits, aren't we, Sol?

Sun: My Luna speaks truly. [Gestures to the door] Do come in. 

John: Thank you, sir. [Enters and sits down. The Sun closes the door]. Wow...a cold diet Pepsi? You have done your homework, haven't you?

Sun: [beams] Yes, we've seen your file a time or two up here, young man.

John: I'll bet you have, sir. [opens can] So let's cut to the chase. Why am I here?

Sun: Well, word has reached me that you've made a rather large omission when teaching astrology in the past, and it's a significant breach of the Astrological Code of Conduct.

John: [laughs] What...did Saturn put you up to this? It sounds like something he would do.

Sun: No...in this case, you can blame Mercury. And you hear what it is you'll see why I had to call you out.

John: [Puts on serious face] I'm listening.

Sun: You've been teaching people about astrology for some time and yet you have neglected to tell them about the most important astrological planet. 

John: I'm confused...I'm still a journeyman to be sure, Lord Sun, but I know my planets pretty well and I don't neglect any.

Sun: Then why am I not a part of your curriculum?

John: YOU? Well of course you are...when I talk about the sun signs, you're in there. You are the Sun, after all. 

Sun: That's not what I mean. Everyone talks about the "sun signs", but have you ever told people what my role is? Why I'm so important in a chart? Aside from the sun sign characteristics.

John: [ponders] Now that you mention it, I've never really talked about you separately, no.

Sun: Our research pointed in the same direction. That's a huge disappointment to me. Luckily, the malefics aren't here to witness it; the only other person besides the Moon and I that know is Mercury. 

John: Well, fuck. The last thing I need is the malefics getting upset, so I'm glad they're not around. Especially Saturn. 

Sun: Those problems would be minor compared to what would happen if I reported your conduct to the ACC Board. You would face official astrological sanctions, and those could be pretty nasty. 

John: I see. So what do I need to do to make this go away?

Sun: That's simple. You give me your assurances that when you teach astrology next time in a classroom setting--which, if I'm not mistaken, is later this week--I get at least as much time as the rest of the planets, separate from the signs. I'm quite sure I've earned that right. Then Lady Moon neglects to report my findings to the ACC. With all these planets retrograde, they will get lost...

John: I promise, Lord Sun, that I will not neglect you in my classes again. That's totally my fault. 

Sun: Thank you, young man. That will suffice to avoid any administrative unpleasantness. And now for the other reason I've called you up here...

John: Yes, sir?

Sun: The Moon and I are huge fans of your beloved's books. [places a stack of books on the desk]. Could you please have them signed by the author? Luna has been bugging me for months and we just haven't gotten around to it.

John: Certainly! To whom should they be autographed?

Sun: "To the Luminaries...the brightest stars in the heavens."

John: Of course. 

Sun: Thank you, John. And good luck with your next class this week!

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Venus vs. the Sun: Old School Chivalry

Moon: Good morning, Lady Venus. Go right in...he's ready for you. 

Venus: Thank you, ma'am. And how have you been doing?

Moon: Very well, thanks. Never being in one place too long is a good thing for me...and thankfully I never have to go retrograde!

Venus: I'll tell you what, Lady Moon...you are SO RIGHT about that. [chuckles]

Sun: [calls out from office] If you ladies are about finished chatting...

Moon: [puts up her middle finger and effects a high-pitched, squeaky voice] Sorry to put your sacred schedule behind for 15 whole seconds, your Lordship!

[Venus stifles a laugh]

Sun:  'Your Lordship', huh? Which obscene gesture is she making, Venus...the jerking off motion or the traditional middle finger? 

Venus: I'll never tell, sir. [winks]

Moon: [smiles and winks] I'm sending her in now, your Lordship.

[Venus enters and shuts the door.]

Sun: Please sit, Venus.

Venus: Thank you, sir. [sits down]

Sun: So what's on your mind?

Venus: I wanted to talk to you about our last meeting, sir.

Sun: Yes? I thought it went fairly well, considering our past meetings.

Venus: I agree. But I'm here to talk about how you handled Mercury. And before you ask, no, he doesn't know I'm here. 

Sun: I'm not in the position of discussing the disposition of other planets, Venus.

Venus: I figured that, sir. But I didn't like the way the last meeting ended. I didn't feel like you needed to threaten him that way. Mercury shoots off his mouth; it's what he does.

Sun: Agreed. But between that and his phone obsession he had it coming. And his remark was extremely crude...

Venus: You're holding Mercury to a different standard, sir.

Sun: I'm not sure what you mean. 

Venus: You were upset by his use of the phrase "vag out", right? To represent the mighty Mars becoming more interested in what would traditionally be considered Venus-ruled activities during his retrograde?

Sun: Yes. 

Venus: Well, after you...made your exit, Pluto called Mercury a dick and nobody batted an eyelash. That's the same thing to me. Genitals are genitals, in my book.

Sun: Wait a minute. So you're telling me that Mercury's remark didn't bother you?

Venus: Nope. It surprised me and shocked me a bit, I'll admit...but it is a pretty clever turn of phrase. And Mars would probably have said something similar if I hadn't been coaching him before his retrograde not to say the first thing that pops into his head.

Sun: I'm very surprised you're not offended. 

Venus: You do a great job running these meetings and keeping us all on track, Lord Sun. But you have a bias.

Sun: I do?

Venus: You want to keep things "nice" for the ladies. While I appreciate the chivalry...it's not necessary. We are perfectly capable of standing up for ourselves and speaking. Unless you're telling me that Lady Moon isn't a force to be reckoned with?

Sun: Of course not! She's a veritable force of nature.

Venus: [smiles] That's wonderful. But I don't think you give us ladies enough credit. If we're offended, we'll stand up and say it. But we're stronger than we look, and if you're constantly trying to protect us...

Sun: ...then it sort of puts you in a subordinate position? Like you need protection.

Venus: Yes, sir. Exactly.

Sun: [Pauses] I never thought of it that way before, but I'm sure you're right. I'm not sure what to do now.

Venus: Can I offer a little advice?

Sun: Certainly. 

Venus: Treat us like you would anyone else. Don't worry about us needing protection. If we need something we'll ask. I find your attitude toward us very old school and it's exceptionally sweet, but times have changed, and the world moves on.

Sun: I promise to work on it, Venus. Thank you so much for bringing this to my attention. Now, could you pretty please with sugar on top get the fuck out of my office so I can get some work done? [smiles]

Venus: Of course, sir. Enjoy the day! [leaves office and leaves door open]

[Lady Moon gives two thumbs up as Venus passes. Venus raises her arms to the sky with a mouthed "Woo hoo!"]

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Saturn Retrograde: Better Late Than Never

John: [dials phone] Come on, Old Man. I know you're on retrograde but pick up the phone! [rings] Come on...I need to talk to you! [rings]

Saturn: [answering machine picks up] "Hello. You've reached the home of Saturn, greater malefic. Please have the discipline to wait until this entire message is through before you begin to leave your own message, which I will answer once my retrograde is over on August 13, 2016. May your patience be rewarded!" [Beeeeeeeeep]

John: Saturn, it's John. I really need to talk to you, regarding...

Saturn: [phone picks up] John! How are you? 

John: I'm really sorry to bother you, Old Man...

Saturn: Not at all, not at all! I'm just enjoying my retrograde. Glad you caught me...I'm leaving on my trip tomorrow.

John: Wait, you're taking a vacation?

Saturn: Young man, who do you think I am? Jupiter? Of course not a vacation! Consider it "business travel".  Anyway, I'm in retrograde a good deal of the time, and I take those time to go out into the world and see how my influence is affecting people.

John: Sounds like a lot of work, actually.

Saturn: On the contrary! It's one of the best parts of my job. So, why don't you tell me how I can help you?

John: You seem almost...happy, Saturn. Is everything OK?

Saturn: It's a good time for me! In the United States, taxes are being filed at a furious rate now, and I revel in it when people fulfill their obligations. And Mars has been telling me of your discipline at the gym. A sweaty business, to be sure, but you are showing true Saturnian character by going so often. So I wanted you to know that I noticed and appreciate your efforts. 

John: Very kind of you, Old Man.

Saturn: But that's not the reason for your call. You have something more serious on your mind for such a young man, and when you call me at home, you're not ready to hurl insults at me. You only do that on your blog. But I'm even ready to forgive that for the moment since I'm in such a non-Saturnian place. 

John: I am a little put off by this, but I'm prepared to do something I would prefer not to do: Ask a very direct and potentially rude question of you. 

Saturn: [Pause] Go on.

John: They say that "Jupiter promises, but Saturn pays." I need to know: Do you really pay off eventually? Because I've got my first job interview in eight years tomorrow and I want to know if I've got a shot at this job.

Saturn: What kind of question is that? You're one of my people! Who would be better qualified than YOU?

John: I've thought that before, Saturn, and in a shocking turn of events, I agree with you. But why would you wait so long before even presenting me with this opportunity? Excuse my French, but eight fucking years...!


Saturn: You and your language, John...disappointing. [Pause] Look, eight years is nothing!

John: Well, those of us down here on earth are lucky to make two Saturn returns and are blessed if there are three. I've been waiting over a quarter of your cycle for this to appear. And now it's within my reach.

Saturn: I can't guarantee success, John. If your studies have taught you nothing, only hard work and dedication bring about success. 

John: So no hints at all on the outcome?

Saturn: You're the psychic, John. Or perhaps Neptune might have been a better choice for this conversation.

John: I should have known. Sorry to bother you on your retrograde. Perhaps we'll talk again when you get back. 

Saturn: Don't hang up! [Pause] No matter what happens, John, you have my blessing. And no matter what you have thought of me in the past, I hope you will know that I am pulling for you.

John: Thank you, Old Man. That means a lot. 

Saturn: Now if you'll excuse me I have to make sure I pack enough notepads. They never run out of electricity on long flights. And mechanical pencils. I LOVE those things!

John: See you in August, Saturn. 

Saturn: Goodbye, young man. Good luck tomorrow! And by the way, if you get this job, I need a favor. 

John: If I get this job, you can have anything you want. 

Saturn: You can thank me by not casting any aspersions my way for six months. I'll take the good PR. 

John: I've waited EIGHT YEARS and you want six months of good press? NO WAY! I will offer you 90 days. 

Saturn: 120 days and not one day less. 

John: [SIGH] 120 days, Old Man. You pay off and so will I. Done and done. 

Saturn: Very well.  

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Mercury Misfires Make for Meltdown

Sun: Good morning, everyone! Take your seats, please. Mercury, how many times do I have to tell you that we don't allow any technology out during meetings? Please put your phone away. 

Mercury: [typing] Sir, I just need to update my status...there. All done. [puts away phone]

[all cell phones except Mercury's emit a sound]

Sun: Mercury...there's no real need for you to "check in" for these meetings, is there?

Mercury: Sorry, boss. I just think it's cool; that's all. And my fans expect it. 

Sun: Oh, your fans. Riiiiiight. [opens Erin Condren planner] So let's see what's on tap for today. Hmmm...Lady Moon, who are we missing?

Moon: Well, sir...Jupiter is still in New Orleans, but Neptune has returned, as you can see. Other than the occasional Snapchat I get from Jupiter, he's been out of touch. 

Sun: And I see we only have partial malefic representation as well. How bizarre!

Moon: Yes, sir. Saturn normally tries to "fulfill his planetary obligations" during his retrograde periods, so I honestly expected him. But I received a letter stating in no uncertain terms that he would not be here.

Mercury: "Snail mail"? [chuckles] How...quaint. [reaches for his pocket]

Sun: Merc, you touch that phone, and we will have a problem. As I've mentioned before, these proceedings are considered confidential. And I don't want to see any more stories in news outlets citing an "anonymous astrological source close to the Sun" simply because you can't keep your mouth shut. Don't try the semantic route, either..."mouth" in this case means any form of social media or communication, to make sure we're on the same page. 

Uranus: But don't we want people to get to know us, sir? In many ways, Merc is helping with that...

Sun: Urnie, the "universality of information" argument doesn't hold water with me, either. I know you two are thick as thieves. "Information is the connective tissue of networks, blah blah blah." So don't bother trying.

Mercury: Well, why do we need the greater malefic here when it looks like someone else has taken over the role?!

[Venus and Neptune gasp; the Moon frowns deeply]

Sun: [Smiles] You're playing with fire, but I'm not rising to the bait, Merc. Your comment burns my ass, I'll admit, but not enough to flame you publicly. Perhaps you'd like to stop, drop, and roll, and report on John's upcoming travel?

Mercury: Shit. [Wincing] Yes, sir. Jupiter handed this trip over to me because John's making it for the second time and now it falls into my area of responsibility. He's heading out to Midwest School of Astrology to meet a very famous classical astrology expert, Dr. Lee Lehman. There shouldn't be any snow in the forecast for this road trip, and the route will be familiar to him now, so there shouldn't be any missteps like there were in January.

Venus: John's really excited, sir. He's a big fan of Dr. Lehman's. And he's got some other fun things on the schedule. I have it on good authority that his wife is coming with him for a mini-vacation. Jupiter even scored him some reservations at a casino hotel one night. At least, I think that's what the Snapchat said...

Neptune: Yes, Jennifer is planning to write while John's in class. That will give her plenty of time to play with me. And of course, what visit to Cincinnati would be complete without a stop at the local aquarium? Jen's a huge fan, and who can blame her?

Sun: Excellent! It sounds like everything is shaping up well. Mars, you've been remarkably silent today. Are you OK?

Mars: Yes, sir. I'm...going into retrograde this coming week, so I'm starting to think about slowing things down. But John hasn't; he's been working out like a madman, and I couldn't be prouder. Especially when he's working out in a place called "Planet Fitness" with my symbol on the men's locker room. It's really cool. 

Sun: I'm glad to hear it. Other business to discuss?

Moon: Tax Day is approaching in the States, sir. That may explain the reason Saturn chose not to come; he always gets giddy around tax day. 

Sun: Mars, where are you going on your retrograde?

Mars: Well, sir, I haven't really decided. I'm thinking Paris, though. It's been ages since I went to the Louvre, and since I won't be back at work until June 30, I'll actually have time to go through and enjoy it. The Frogs know their art. Musee d'Orsay and the Orangerie are also on my list.

Sun: That sounds lovely. It should give you some time to decompress. And Paris is such a walkable city. Are you doing anything...sporty?

Mars: That's the thing, sir. I don't feel very much like myself during my retrograde. [Looks at Venus] I've asked Venus to help me figure something out, so I don't totally...ummm...

Sun: [Puzzled expression] Yes? "Don't totally..." what?

Mercury: He's trying to say that he doesn't want to totally 'vag out,' sir?

Moon: [mouth drops open] I beg your pardon, Mercury?!

Sun: [places his hand on Luna's shoulder] It's ok, Luna. It's just a very crude turn of phrase. [glares at Mercury] And that will DO, Mercury!

Venus: If I may...what he's trying to say, sir, is that without saying something offensive [shoots eye daggers at Mercury], Mars is embracing the softer side of things. I did tell him, however, that he may want to re-engage a little bit to his usual routine from time to time. 

Mars: So I decided that I'll score some seats for the FC Nantes game against Paris Saint-Germain in Paris on May 14. John will be totally jelly, but I'll be there in my bright yellow and green FC Nantes gear to cheer on les canaris! ALLEZ NANTES!

Sun: Well, I'm glad you've got your retrograde under control, Mars. Try to enjoy yourself! I'm jealous of your trip, Paris being the City of Lights and all. [makes notes in Erin Condren planner]. Venus, if you could make another round of stickers for our planners, that would be wonderful. They're so useful!

Venus: [beams] I'd be thrilled to, sir. What does everyone need?

Sun: Well I know I'll need a few more for "disciplinary meetings" [sidelong glance at Mercury], but I'll allow everyone to email you their various requests. Any alibis? [Pause] All right then...Lady Moon, please type up notes of the meeting and send it to everyone as usual.

Moon: Absolutely, sir. And we'll coordinate schedules for Mercury's disciplinary counseling session with you? [beams]

Sun: Yes, ma'am. You always seem to know what I'm going to say before I say it. [Pause] Let's adjourn. [to Mercury] I need not to see you for a while, young man. What is it you like to say? 'You'll be hearing from me'? Oh yeah. You will this time, that's for sure.  Count on it! [Sun gets up and leaves]

Mercury: [sighs] Fuck my life.

Pluto: Hahahaha! [to Mercury] You dick. [Sings] "Here comes the Sun, doot n doo doo! Here comes the Sun, and I say, you're fucked, dude."

Neptune: I don't think those were the song's original words, Pluto, but I agree with the sentiment. [shakes head sadly]

Sunday, April 3, 2016

Ten Random Meanderings to Get Back in the Bathtub

Greetings, good people! It's been quite a while since you heard from me, and Saturn has been bending my ear about it quite regularly...so here are a few random meanderings for you just to keep the old bastard off my ass for a while:

1) New tarot dates

New dates for April, May, and June are posted for readings at 13 Magickal Moons! Apologies for the lateness. The first date is Saturday, April 9. Take a look at the "In Person Readings" link on the right. :)

2) FTL: Faster Than Light is a game that has sucked my entire soul. If you're a Steam Gamer or you have an iPad, you can enjoy this amazing and frustrating experience for $10. It's a space travel and battle game...I've been trying to win for nearly a week. I've promised myself a few more attempts once I finish this blog and hit the gym (see #5 below).

3) Paperback books by Jennifer Wells!

Two of my beloved's books, Magick Charm and Free Spirit, are now available in paperback via Amazon. They are books 1 and 2 of the New Orleans Magick Series. They're already available for Kindle. Despite Jupiter's insistence for more publishing information, my beloved hasn't told him what's coming next...only to sign up for her newsletter to be one of the first to know. (To be fair, she should have told her sun's ruling planet, Mercury, but I was overruled on that point.)

If you're already a fan of Jennifer's books, please write a review on Amazon, Goodreads, or both. As Mercury often says, "Word of mouth drives sales," and Amazon won't start recommending a book until it has 50 reviews. If you've taken the time to do one, even a short one, know it is appreciated!

4) Astrology college studies

A number of you have asked me how my studies are going. In a word, awesome! I'm learning a ton at the Midwest School of Astrology and having a fantastic time learning from Pam and Diane, as well as my other classmates. 

I told myself when I started studying here that I was going to be a sedate, quiet student. Well...that didn't last long. Since I am on chat and NOT on camera--my fellow students are likely happy I'm not, since we know how I am about cameras--I use some hashtags frequently, such as #ilovemychart and #scorpioworlddomination. My classmates and teachers have found out I'm not as Saturnian as my chart suggests. #sorrynotsorry

5) Planet Fitness

So I changed gyms recently and while some people will say "A gym is a gym", I'm really enjoying my Planet Fitness experience. $20 a month includes workouts at any Planet Fitness, free tanning and hyrdromassages--I never miss a workout because I get one afterward every time!--and it's less than five minutes from home. It's less than half the price of my old gym, too. 

What I like most: The culture. I really feel different working out now, like I'm just a regular guy working out with other regular people. My old gym's culture was bodybuilder, and while I was never offended or put off by it, I've never felt as comfortable working out as I do at Planet Fitness.

6) Fucking snow

OK, it seriously fucking snowed here last night. I mean COME ON, Mother Nature. Haven't you seen the calendar? At least the snow didn't stick. But so much for a nice, gentle entry into spring. NoVA weather, go home, you're drunk as usual!

7) Cutting the cord

Since we last spoke, I got rid of cable TV, and honestly, I'm so pleased I did. Not only am I saving more than $100 a month, I'm not having to listen to election coverage. (I can't wait for this cycle to be OVER!) One of the benefits to not watching the news all the time is not having to see the negativity. I'm all for that!

8) Positive change is everywhere!

While I'm not disappointed to not watch the network news (see #7 above), there has been a lot of positive news for people in my personal life. I know of at least three people who are cancer-free after treatment. One lucky couple is tying the knot this fall. And one very special person just passed another test toward getting her dream job. Congratulations all around!

So if you're struggling, please hang in there; everything is temporary. And enjoy those special moments with those you love, because sadly, they're also temporary. WOW. Maybe I'll have to edit that out...a little too Saturnian...but the point is to ENJOY LIFE RIGHT NOW. Jupiter for the win! And Neptune for the wine!

9) Mars Retrograde

Yes, our favorite testosterone-filled planet is going retro. He doesn't do it often, but when he does, he becomes a lot more like his consort, Venus. 

It will happen just after Tax Day, so keep your eyes peeled and watch this space for more information.

[SHAMELESS MARKETING ALERT] To deal with any negative impact, may I recommend a Mars Retrograde candle from 13 Magickal Moons? Actually, I'm going to do so. I think I just did, actually. The point is, go buy one. That is all.

10) Astrology 1, 2, and 3 with the Tradition of the Witches Circle starting up in early May!

By popular demand, all of the astrology series classes will be offered this spring, summer, and fall at 13 Magickal Moons!
Each series is 8 classes long and will occur on Thursday nights from 7-9.

The whole series has been re-vamped to make the information easier to retain as well. So if you've taken it before and struggled, I encourage you to try it again. The dates are all Thursdays:


Astrology 1: May 5, 12, 19, 26; June 2, 9, 16, 23
Astrology 2: July 7, 14, 21, 28; August 4, 11, 18, 25
Astrology 3: September 1, 8, 15, 22; October 6, 13, 20, 27

Astrology 1 deals with the planets and the signs. In Astrology 2, we study the rising sign, the houses, and the basics of chart identification (what and where everything is!). Finally, Astrology 3 will talk about aspects (planetary relationships) in different charts, as well as dignities (planetary strength by sign). 

If you're interested, sign up in person at the shop, call the shop, email the shop or Sam, or email me. We'll get you on that list one way or another.

Thanks for listening, good people! As always, I look forward to seeing you across my table, or in my classroom, soon!

Thursday, March 3, 2016

An Invitation to Visit Saturn

Saturn: Welcome, John! Thanks so much for coming. Please come in. 

John: Thank you, Saturn. Very kind of you to invite us. This is my wife Jennifer.

Jennifer: [reaches out to shake hands] It's a pleasure to meet you, Saturn. John's told me a lot about you!

Saturn: Very nice to meet you too, Jennifer. John speaks highly of you. Please sit down and make yourselves comfortable. Jennifer, John told me you wouldn't say no to a bit of scotch...

Jennifer: [accepts glass] I would never turn down scotch, Saturn. Thank you. [tastes] Excellent! 

Saturn: I'm glad you approve. John?

John: Thank you, Saturn. [accepts glass] I must admit I was intrigued by your invitation. I have to wonder why the greater malefic would want to see me in person. 

Saturn: Well, John...I must admit that I've been hearing some things from your blog followers, and well, I wanted to bring them to your attention.

John: Sure, Old Man. What's on your mind?

Saturn: A few of them are saying what I have said for many years: That your view of me is too narrow and too harsh. 

John: [puzzled look] Really? That's fascinating. I hadn't heard that. 

Saturn: Yes, well...I have excellent sources. 

John: I'm sure you do. [Pause] I thought we had settled this before, but I guess an explanation is in order. You are aware of your role in my chart?

Saturn: Of course I am! Are you?

John: Well, if I didn't I'm missing a large gap in my astrology studies. You rule my rising sign, my Moon, my Mars (if we're thinking classically) as well as the 2nd house cusp. In addition, you oppose Jupiter with a rather small orb, and that opposition forms the handle of my "bucket" chart configuration. Did I miss anything?

Jen: John, for the non-astrologer in the room, could you repeat that in English?

John: Certainly, my love. Saturn is all over my chart. My expression, my physical body, my financial resources, and my values all contain Saturn's influence. Also, the handle of the "bucket" formation of my astrology chart makes sure that no part of my astrological makeup is free of Saturn's influence.

Jen: That makes sense. Now I think I understand more clearly how you feel about Saturn.

Saturn: Jen, one of the reasons I asked you to join John on this visit is because I was hoping it would remove any possible tension between John and I. He does an excellent job of vilifying me in his blog, and some of his readers think he's doing me a disservice. 

John: Saturn, there's no need to bring Jen into this. [To Jen] I'm sorry, honey...

Jen: No, I think Saturn is right, John. It's important that I speak to Saturn about this, so he can see that even in spite of all his vast wisdom he made a tactical error inviting me. [smiles]

Saturn: [faltering smile] I'm sorry...I'm not sure what you mean, my dear. 

Jen: You don't need to "dear" me, Saturn. But you do need to understand something that I know very well. Aren't you aware that John's blogs about you are fiction? He's using a tried and true literary technique called personification. I used it in my book Magick Charm when the ferret Nostradamus practically stole the show.

Saturn: That's more Mercury's department than mine, Jennifer. With no disrespect intended, I don't read fiction or understand the reason for it. Literary devices used purely for enjoyment are lost on me. 

Jen: No offense taken, Old Man. But my point is that John's portrayal of you is based on his experience working with you, or not. I can safely assure you, however, that every part of his life is touched by you, and it's not always good. John can be kind of dark and brooding at times, and while my knowledge of astrology is limited, I do happen to know that you can really bring someone down emotionally. So you're not really in a position to question John's experience, since his emotions are his, not right or wrong. 

Saturn: [SIGH] I was afraid he had gotten to you first, Jennifer. I thought with your Mercury in Libra you might be able to comprehend my point of view...the truth, if you will.

Jen: [turns to John] What is Mercury in Libra?

John: Balanced thinking and mental processing, as well as even-handed expression. 

Jen: Thanks! [turns back to Saturn] That's true about me, Saturn. And while I understand and respect your point of view, as a novelist, it's all about the author speaking her truth, or in John's case, his truth. As such, John's truth about you is colored by his experiences, which, you understand, have not always been positive. 

John: That's Mercury in Libra diplomacy for you, Saturn, right there.

Saturn: [To John] Indeed. [To Jen] While I categorically reject your argument as ridiculous, I find you quite charming nonetheless. I might even consider buying your books simply to support your long-term business goals.

Jen: Word. 

Saturn: John? I think I need the translation now.

John: Certainly! That's Jen's way of saying, "Thanks for buying my books. Please be sure to leave me a review, and please notice that my glass is empty."

Monday, February 15, 2016

Saturnian Obligations: Hallmark Holiday Harassment

Saturn: Hello?

Sun: Saturn, it's the Sun. 

Saturn: Yes, sir...it's late on a Sunday night, so I'm a little confused...

Sun: I understand, Saturn. I wouldn't be calling if it wasn't important. I need a big favor. 

Saturn: If it is within my power, sir...

Sun: Great! I need a Valentine's Day blog written.

Saturn: [PAUSE] Pardon me, sir. I am old, even though my hearing is just fine. Could you repeat your request again?

Sun: You heard me, Saturn. John forgot to do a Valentine's Day blog last year, and this year it's also come and gone. He's trying to relax and needs some help, so I want to pitch in.

Saturn: I'm not the right planet for the job, sir. I'm surprised we're even having this conversation.

Sun: Listen, Old Man, you're right...you're far from my first choice. But I'm out of options. 

Saturn: Didn't Mars and Venus do these amazing his/hers entries in the past?

Sun: Mars isn't answering his phone, and neither is Venus...so I'm going to assume they're...

Saturn: Engaging in sexual intercourse, sir?

Sun: Well, that was a little specific than what I was going for, Saturn, but I figure they're...um...enjoying each other's company in some way.

Saturn: I see. And what about Jupiter?

Sun: He's down in New Orleans with Neptune, and he's in retrograde, so I'm wary of anything he might come up with and I know he won't respect my deadline. The point is both of them are out. 

Saturn: Mercury would be an excellent choice, sir. 

Sun: If he and Uranus hadn't spent all day managing everyone's holiday texts, videos, and social media postings, I would ask them. And I think I can anticipate your next question, and no I can't even consider Pluto. People don't want poems that go, "Roses are Dead/Violets are dead/hahahahaha you're all irradiated fucks now!" or references to putting lotions in baskets. So do you see why it has to be you?

Saturn: I've never been lazy, sir, but I just don't think that an entry from me is ideal. Readers do like me, that's for sure, but I'm a little, well...out of my element here. Love and passion really aren't in a malefic planet's repertoire!

Sun: You're making too much out of this, Old Man. Wish people your best for Valentine's Day and that's that. With your writing style, it should take less than ten minutes. The Moon made me promise not to work this weekend or I'd do it myself. I'm not allowed to go anywhere near a computer this weekend or you can be sure I'll be seeing the dark of the Moon, if you will, for quite some time. [PAUSE] Look, if it makes you feel better, I'm ordering you to do it. How does that sound?

Saturn: The picture has become clear now, sir. I hear and obey.

Sun: I knew I could count on you, Saturn. You have my gratitude.