Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: The Outer Planets Meet Again!

Neptune: Hi Urnie! What's going on?

Uranus: Nep! It's great to see you! What gender are you identifying as these days?

Neptune: Who knows? I can hardly keep up. It depends on what vibe I'm getting that day.

Pluto: Dude, you can be over there connecting with the all but what the fuck are the rest of us--read: me--doing here?

Uranus: Self-promotion, Pluto.

Pluto: Come on! Not this shit again. I'm more into self-destruction!

Neptune: Yeah. Heavy. Like, I totally feel you, Pluto.

Pluto: For the last fucking time, no, you don't "feel me", you delusional hermaphrodite hippie! For fuck's sake, I AM PLUTONIUM, DAMMIT!

Neptune: [GASP] That's mean! I'm just trying to be nice! You couldn't have any possible idea of how I feel! And what's wrong with hippies?

Uranus: Neptune, don't let him bother you! Pluto, I'm not talking about hostile takeovers or anything.

Pluto: Well, shit! Then I go back to "Why the fuck am I here?"

Uranus: People don't get us, Pluto. And this time, our intrepid blogger friend is not helping.

Pluto: Don't fuck with John, Urnie. I told you that before. He's one of mine. Do you fucking listen?

Uranus: I do, but can't you see how he's causing problems for us? Or do you not want to see it?

Pluto: He doesn't ignore us, Uranus. We just don't get to rule signs in his world. That doesn't mean we're not important.

Uranus: On the contrary, my nuclear brother! He's taken that from all of us. Don't you want it back? And you SAY he's one of your people, Pluto, but does HE feel the same way about you?

Pluto: I've known this kid a long time. Have you seen him lose his temper? He's mine, all right. I'm not foolish enough to think he's ALL mine--my name isn't Saturn or Mars, after all--but my influence is being felt in his life right now. I've been playing ping pong with his rising sign over the past few years, and his employment situation keeps changing. So he might not belong to me all the time, but I'm working it there. What's your damage?

Uranus: I liked being the planetary ruler for Aquarians. I did. And until 5-6 years ago, John believed I was their ruler, too. Now...not so much. And time marches on and all, but I've gotta wonder if there's a way to get him back on our side. He has students he can influence!

Neptune: John never left our "side", Urnie. You just don't have as much influence, or so you think. But influence is an illusion; I'll be the first here to tell you that.

Uranus: It's just that I get the urge to rebel, to push back! Why should we accept the status quo? We need to have more influence and make our lives better!

Pluto: Look, John's evolved over the years, which is my territory. He's interested in a lot of cutting edge stuff, and he's an astrologer, which is your territory, Urnie. And we've seen that when he puts his mind to it, he can be creative, and he's also a psychic, which Nep handles. Check out his Erin Condren planner and you can see it for yourself. But I don't think you're going to get anywhere with this. John is many things, but when his mind is made up, it's made up. You're important, but you're not a sign ruler in John's world.

Uranus: I guess you're right, Pluto. It's just hard for me to accept where I am; it's not in me to give up.

Pluto: No, and you shouldn't ever give up. But do what I do: Have your meltdown and make some changes. Then see how the shit comes down.

Neptune: And maybe some meditation!

Pluto: Fuck that shit, Neptune. OBLITERATION is the best feeling in the world. I'm an obliterator, and I wish more people embraced me.

Neptune: Hmmm. Embrace you, huh? I guess you don't do yoga, Pluto? No sun salutation? Reiki? How about a little feng shui? Sun gazing? Journaling? A private moment for reflection? Anything at all?

Pluto: None of that horseshit! No. No fucking kale or caffeine colonics. No seaweed wraps or fucking hot stones. None of that free range, bohemian, connecting with the Divine, fair trade, save the seals, kum-ba-yah singing songs and drum circles fucking bullshit!

Neptune: You'd be so much less enraged if you did, Pluto, and more people might embrace your influence. Tell you what, though...I'll send some positive thoughts your way. I've got more suggestions on my phone. [goes into next room]

Pluto: [To Neptune, in a low voice] Stick your thoughts and prayers up your ass, dipshit. [To Uranus] Are we done here?

Urnie: Yup, I guess this meeting is over. Come on. I'm buying the first round.

Pluto: Urnie, "mineral water" doesn't count. But since I don't want to shell out money for drinks, I'll do what I normally do: Tell Neptune it's his or her or its turn to pay, whatever the fuck he/she/it calls him/her/itself at this given moment in time, precious as it is. And then Neptune pays, and I conveniently forget it's my turn and do the same thing next time since he/she/it assumes I'm right and won't question it just to be polite! Watch how well this works. [Raising voice] I paid last time, Nep!

Neptune: [From the next room] Well then i
t's my turn to treat, I guess. Zombies for everyone! Let's go! 

Uranus: [To Pluto] You're kind of a dick.

Pluto: [To Uranus] Yeah, but you still kind of admire me.

Uranus: [PAUSE] [whispers] I'll never admit it publicly, but maybe occasionally. [To Neptune, loudly] Can't wait!

Saturday, July 23, 2016

Saturn: Dispatches From Retrograde

Dear John,

I figured I'd send along a letter during my retrograde trip. While I won't presume that you are "missing" me or my influence, it's just common courtesy to let my people know what I'm doing.

Being out here in the world, I've become convinced that the world has gone mad. If Mars were here, he'd probably say everyone is "whack," if I used the current vernacular, but I leave such plebian phrases to him and Mercury, who I'd call a half-wit if he weren't so damn smart. 

No one seems to have the most basic of respect for anyone else anymore, and that pains me. No one appears to have any sense of proper boundaries. I'm sure if I was on social media more, I'd feel that to a greater extent. As it is, I only use Quora, and only to answer questions about Saturn, of which there are sadly not that many. 

By the way, I'm happy for you that Quora lists you as one of the top ten "Sun Sign" experts on the site, but I expect you spend a lot of time telling people why they would or wouldn't get along with a given sign. There's so much more than that; the Sun sign is only the introduction of an enormous tome. They could just pick a sign at random and go with it, or they could just get to know the person. It seems like we don't do that anymore, either.

I've had one or two people ask what I'm doing, or look at what I'm writing, in my travels, but since most people can't read cursive, my dispatches back to HQ may as well be in Cantonese or Twi. At least I can claim all the postage on my travel voucher; I sometimes forget how much I enjoy the simple pleasure of putting pencil to paper.

Anyway, I hope that you're taking this time away from me to take a serious look at your life and make some changes. 

I also fervently hope you're not running around with your phone out like an idiot! Several people have nearly run me down trying playing this...game, I guess you'd call it. Sounds like absolute chaos to me! People dashing to and fro, "catching" imaginary "monsters" to fight them in imaginary "gyms" and take them over for their "team"? RIDICULOUS!

At least when you play your games there's sometimes--let me stress the "sometimes"!--something to be learned. I'm guessing by now that Offworld Trading Company has been kicking your behind. Good! That will teach you to wile away the hours colonizing Mars. 

And of all the planets to pick, you had to go to the brute! You people have some kind of weird, sick love affair with that bully of a planet that I just don't understand. He's loud, he's rude, and lacks the decency and manners of the common dog. 

Even given your propensity for wasting time, I'm glad you're at least limiting your silliness and frivolity to a home computer where no one can see you, and not running around like some empty-headed moron wasting time flocking to historical landmarks catching bizarre creatures. 

Speaking of your home computer, I've seen your office...hope you're doing some work in there, too, because my sources told me before I left that you needed to declutter in the worst way. How can you operate a business efficiently in that mess? This is a reminder to take care of it, post haste.

I hope you've taken the time to take some pot shots at me in my absence. I'm pretty cut off when I'm in retrograde and I only write in my reports to the Sun on paper. So I don't take the time to read your prose while I'm away. I'm sure you expect that by now. I guess I'll find out when I return how much damage you've caused to my reputation. 

I think that's all for the time being. You may now return to your likely underhanded attempts to be the most profitable company on Mars. Just because your opponents want to stoop to the level of cyber attacks, inciting worker strikes, and setting off nuclear bombs underground to limit access to natural resources doesn't mean you should do it, too. Win with honor, or don't bother. Actually, don't bother. 

I look forward to seeing you in a few weeks. 

Very truly yours,


Friday, July 22, 2016

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: Mars In Scorpio Intensity

Sun: Welcome back, everyone! I hope you're enjoying the summer. It's been a rough one so far, so let's get right to it. Mars?

Mars: I'm in the last degrees of Scorpio now, sir, and everyone knows that those degrees are either ruled by the Old Man, or by me. Not that I miss the miserable old fucker, because I don't...but when is he going direct again?

Sun: Mid-August, young man. But let's not change the subject. Can you explain the spike in violence we've seen?

Mars: I just said it, sir...these last degrees of Scorpio are a shit show for me. What the fuck do you expect? And Why not ask Pluto? He's a Scorpio ruler too. Why point the finger at me?

Pluto: Big muscle girly man over there can't take a little heat? HAHAHA! I'm stunned over here...really I am.

Sun: While this was another unsuccessful attempt to start yet another conflict, Mars...your point is well taken.

Pluto: And your actual point is...?

Sun: Do you have any explanation for all of this craziness, Pluto?

Pluto: I'm a do or die kind of planet, sir, but heavier on the "die", if you get my drift. I'm sitting in Cappie right now, so the Old Man is giving me fits. He's not even direct right now, but a lot of the angst is government/authority stuff. Typical Capricorn bullshit. So glad I'm not him.

Jupiter: Look, what I think what my colleagues fail to realize is that when anyone's takes an ideology too far, people can decide that violence is justified to further the ideas.  I think that's where we are now. I wish we weren't there, but it is what it is. 

Venus: I agree with Jupiter. People seem less willing to get along, and that's a bad thing. It's been a contentious year and I hope it smoothes out, and I'm trying to stay hopeful, but I don't expect it.

Mars: KICKASS! Bitches are riding with me, baby! They're handling conflict in a TOTALLY PRIMAL WAY...with metal weapons!

Mercury: Based on what's happening these days, that's not a statistic I'd be citing, Mars.

Mars: Come on, fact boy! In English, por favor?

Mercury:  I know barbarian Neanderthals didn't exist, but if they did, Mars...

Mars: YEAH?? Go on, you little shit!

Mercury: [SIGH] It's not worth it. Why should I even bother with this vulgarian?

Sun: Actually, Mercury, you probably shouldn't. I'm figuring we should probably table this meeting until Saturn gets back. That way we won't have to repeat ourselves.

Moon: And speaking of repeating ourselves... 

[The door opens, and Neptune walks in]

Neptune: Sorry I'm late, good people! What did I miss?

Mars: Oh, nothing, Nep...just the entire meeting, that's all! Moron! 

Neptune: Damn, I'm sorry!

Sun: No need for pissiness, Mars. Luna, is there anything else that can't wait for Saturn's direct motion?

Moon: [pages through Erin Condren planner] Nothing that I can see, sir. And our startling lack of productivity ensures that there are no notes to share with you, Neptune. [BEAMS]

Sun: And with that, we're adjourned. See you in a few weeks. Thankfully, Mars, you'll be in Sag by then and perhaps in a less aggressive frame of mind.

Monday, July 4, 2016

The Sun Also Rises: Working Independently

[Mars walks into the Sun's office suite]

Mars: Sir...are you here?

Sun: [SIGH] Yes, Mars, I'm here. You may as well come on back.

[Mars enters the Sun's office]

Mars: Sorry to bug you, sir...

Sun: It's OK, Mars. I'm here, but I'm not getting much done. You?

Mars: Well, now that I'm moving forward again I feel pretty fucking great! 

Sun: How was your time off?

Mars: Kind of rough, sir. Paris got seriously flooded.

Sun: Yes, I saw that! Did you manage OK?

Mars: Yeah, I spent some time outside the city and then got back in time to grab some of the Euro 2016 matches. Gotta admit those Frogs are kicking ass and taking names!

Sun: I was glad to see them end Iceland's Cinderella story. But what happened to the Brits?

Mars: Dude, that place is going nuts. They lose to an island even smaller than theirs, and then they decide to get the fuck out of the EU? I don't follow all that political bullshit, but it sounds crazy. Soccer-wise, though, they have some serious work to do. If you can't score goals, you're not going to win...simple as that. 

Sun: I hear you. Saturn has been writing me like crazy about the political stuff. I'm going over some of his reports on the Brexit now. He's not exactly optimistic about what's going on there, and his handwritten reports are hard to read in mechanical pencil.

Mars: No disrespect, sir, but what the fuck do you expect from the Old Man? 

Sun: Fair enough, Mars. [PAUSE] I hate to kick you out, but I've been in Orlando, and the paperwork has piled up...

Mars: No problem, sir. I gotta jet. I'm helping John out today, anyway.

Sun: Oh? He's not working today, is he?

Mars: No! He went and worked out this morning and this afternoon he's going to attack a new situation, and he needs my motivation. Merc's going to be there, too.

Sun: [arches eyebrows] What are you two getting up to?

Mars: Sir, John's trying to cast an astrological chart by hand. I'm helping with the drive, it being a holiday and all, and Mercury's helping with the calculations. 

Sun: WOW. I remember when astrologers had to do it that way all the time, before the dawn of computers. What a bitch and a half.

Mars: Yeah, he fucked up all the houses on this one he did last night. But you'll be happy to know he got all of us in the right places at least, including Lady Moon. 

Sun: That's pretty good for a first attempt, though. Finding those house cusps can be tricky. 

Mars: Merc's helping him with those. My math skills are...well, they're just not. But at least I can cheer at the right moments. 

Sun: Well, I never knew John as a masochist, but if he wants to do it, then I hope he's successful. 

Mars: That boy is a stubborn bastard, sir. We'll make sure he gets it. Eventually. Well, I'm off like a prom dress. Have a great day working! AMERICA FUCK YEAH!

Sun: Thanks, Mars! America fuck yeah, indeed. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Mercury vs. Jupiter: The Final Verdict

[Jupiter enters the Sun's office suite to find Venus sitting at the Moon's desk.]

Jupiter: Hey Venus! I'm here for my appointment with the Sun.

Venus: Good morning! He's not back from Orlando yet, so you'll be meeting with the Moon today.

Jupiter: Wait...the MOON is going to decide this?

Venus: Of course! You don't have a problem with that, do you?

Jupiter: Well, no, of course not! I'm just...surprised; that's all.

Venus: The Sun decided that he didn't want to make you wait for a decision any longer than you already had, Jove. So he asked the Moon to handle this matter in his absence.

Jupiter: Fantastic! I'd like to get this resolved before John goes back to school again. Is Mercury here yet?

Venus: No, but here he is now. Hi, Merc!

Hi, Jupiter. Hi Venus! Is the Moon ready for us?

Venus: Yes, she is. You both can go right in.

[Both enter Lady Moon's office]

Moon: Good morning, gentlemen. Shut the door, please.

[Jupiter shuts the door and sits down]

Moon: Thank you both for coming. The Sun is still in Orlando, but I hope he'll be back by the end of the week. In the meantime, I'll be acting in his stead, and he didn't see any reason to delay what he sees as a routine matter. Jupiter...perhaps you'd like to start by telling us why you feel so strongly about it.

Jupiter: Yes, Lady. Our favorite blogger often goes on trips related to his astrology education, and I don't think that they should fall under Mercury's purview. This is clearly a higher education matter, and I want to make sure it's on the record that I rule these trips now.

Mercury: Jupiter, while I comprehend your point of view, this is pure logic at work. If a person returns to a particular place more than once, it's not an adventure anymore, and it becomes routine. And routine travel matters are my purview. John's been to Cincinnati twice now; that first trip was one of discovery, so it went to you. But now that John travels there regularly, that's my area.

Jupiter: I don't trust you to handle this, Merc. You led John astray big time! He almost didn't make it to all of his commitments during that January trip, and yet you want me to be held responsible for it.

Mercury: You sound like Saturn now. John's obligations are none of your concern. I'll admit that I sent him the wrong data about the route, given the geography of the area and the time of year. But you're the one who said that it was an adventure, and it sure was. John did do everything he needed and wanted to do, but it wasn't easy. I'll ensure that doesn't happen again on my watch.

Jupiter: That's just not fair. It's a long-distance trip! That's my area. He's going to COLLEGE in Cincinnati, people. 
This is a no-brainer! I don't get why this is so hard!

Moon: Mercury, could you please let Jupiter and I chat privately for a moment?

Mercury: Sure, Lady Moon. Sorry, Jupiter!

[Mercury leaves and closes the door behind him. The Moon frowns and blushes slightly]

Jupiter: 'Sorry'? What did he mean by 'sorry'?

Moon: I know how passionately you feel about this, Jupiter. I truly do. But John's Cincinnati trips are Mercury's area now.

Jupiter: And why do I get the feeling you had already made up your mind before I came in here?

Moon: You would be right. Your feelings don't override logic this time, Jupiter.

Jupiter: Lady Moon, this is incredibly important to me.

Moon: I understand. And I'll be the first one to tell you that emotion can override logic, and sometimes not in a positive way. But it doesn't make sense this time. I'm very sorry.

Jupiter: And why didn't you jump in and say anything while we were talking? I thought I had a chance!

Moon: I'm a better listener than I am a talker, Jove. And I wanted you to have the opportunity to be heard; that was important to me.

Jupiter: I appreciate your concern for my feelings, Lady Moon, but...

Moon: [smiles] We both know you don't like to lose a philosophical argument. Mercury already knew the score before we came in here. So I'm giving you the opportunity to lose gracefully, in private.

Jupiter: [SIGH] So that's the final word on the matter?

Moon: I'm afraid it is. My decision is binding and without appeal, Jupiter. But you love the Indiana Jones series of movies, so here's a quote for you: "You lost today, kid. But that doesn't mean you have to like it."

[Jupiter nods his head and leaves the office. A moment later, Venus appears in the doorway]

Venus: It's lunchtime, Lady Moon. I've sent the phones to voicemail.

Moon: I'm not hungry, Venus. You go ahead. But thanks for offering.

Venus: You're under orders from the Sun to take a lunch, Luna, and I plan to enforce that. But that doesn't mean you have to EAT anything...

Moon: [getting up from the desk] Two Ying-Yang martinis it is, then. And you know, some days I'm glad we're not Vedic...this leadership stuff is NOT EASY!

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Birthday Greetings to Amy Lyre from Mercury!

Dear Perilously Unfunny Astrology Blogger,

I've taken over this blog today because I just feel like you don't comprehend what I'm about. It seems the only time I get to make an appearance her is when I'm in retrograde and you're shamelessly using me to drive traffic to this blog. So you can chill over there for a minute while I drive. 

You have not one, not two, but THREE very special people in your everyday life who are Mercury-ruled. One of them, Amy Lyre Turner, is having a birthday today. And you have to go and say you're not going to make any jokes about Geminis today of all days?

The simple fact: That's not a logical thing to say, dude. Honestly, I don't think you're intellectually capable of understanding the true power of Mercury. Why would you poke fun at the person who could skewer you in a heartbeat and not even give a tenth of a fuck? 

While I wouldn't want to tell you how to do your JOB, "aspiring comedian/astrologer", here's a hint: Look up Capricorn moon and Scorpio rising again, moron. This woman is NOT your standard fluffy bunny Gemini!

Amy wasn't in class the last time you taught Mercury, and that's a positive...for you. A number of the things you said were overheard by your Virgo sister. Did you think that was SMART? That's some serious blackmail material there, man. Just wait until the crows come home to roost.

I know you love playing "kick the Gemini" but you have two additional Virgo people who would verbally incinerate you if pressed to defend their Mercury sister's honor. They're showing incredible restraint that I sure wouldn't exercise. And you happen to share a bed with one of them, who WRITES for a LIVING. You may not be smart, but you are brave, or foolhardy, as the case may be. 

Because you lack the intellectual capacity of the dead spiny dogfish in formaldehyde waiting to be dissected by a class of high school biology students, I'm going to make the sensible, logical choice to wish Amy Lyre an extremely happy birthday! I'm so proud of all that you've been able to accomplish, Amy; your poetry is beautiful, and you spend your career counseling others. I swear I'd be tearing up right now if I was emotional at all. But since I'm not...I'm uh...not. Tearing up that is. But you probably picked up on that already. You're much quicker on the uptake than a certain "student astrologer" I happen to know. 

Anyway, that's it. I think you need some more work on your astrological planets. While I can't actually keep you from saying things that are downright stupid, I had to come out and defend my peeps. 

The fact is that you're outnumbered and verbally outgunned, you cretin. So take your idiotic, trite, abusive, nasty, pointed Gemini jabs and save them for someone who has fucks to give.

Communicatively yours, 


PS: I meant what I said the last time I took over this blog. You're still a jerkface in addition to everything else. I wanted to make sure you knew. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Letters from Saturn: Requesting Assistance

Mercury: Sir, sorry to just drop in...I tried to call for an appointment...

Sun: [waves him into the office and closes Erin Condren planner] Come in, Mercury. Once Lady Moon heard about Orlando, she's been totally inconsolable. Hasn't left her room since she heard...

Mercury: I hear you, sir. But I thought I should bring this to your attention. I was coming in to discuss the transfer of John's Cincinnati trips over to me, but I was out getting the mail and I noticed this letter addressed to you. Looks like one of Saturn's "dispatches" from his retrograde journeys. 

Sun: I was wondering when he was going to report in. [Goes to open envelope] Do I need to ask why the seal is broken?

Mercury: Well, sir...

Sun: [holds up a hand] Don't bother lying, Mercury, because you suck at it. You already opened it. 

Mercury: Of course I did, sir. And I'm prepared to brief you on the contents.

Sun: [SIGH] At least you have your uses, Merc. But we don't need to have the talk about privacy again, do we?

Mercury: Well, Lady Moon needs to stop leaving her machine unlocked, sir, and there wouldn't be a problem. Though I will admit the underwear she ordered were a gorgeous blue color. I was surprised at the size, though...and the prices were totally ridiculous!

Sun: Merc, I swear I will change the Wifi password again if you breathe a word to anyone else that you haven't already told, assuming you didn't blog about it or something. 

Mercury: I understand, sir. 

Sun: So give me the brief and then put the letter on the desk, unless you've already made a copy.

Mercury: My memory is excellent, sir. I don't need a copy.

Sun: Ummm...good to know. Pushing forward...

Mercury: Yes, sir. His main points were basically to say that his journey is going satisfactorily, and that he's enjoying the break from social media. 

Sun: Wait a second. Saturn doesn't DO social media!

Mercury: Actually, sir, he's discovered Quora, and he likes being able to go on there answer questions for people. He details his trip to Fort Knox and his quest to find a decently-priced Internet cafe at the times that he wants one, which is "almost never".

Sun: That's right...Saturn never got a cell phone and won't pay for a data plan. I'll give him credit for being thrifty but these days the Internet cafe is in your pocket. What was the postmark?

Mercury: Seattle, sir. He was sitting in on some leadership training out there, or some such, for some big business meeting.

Sun: I see. Anything else of import?

Mercury: He said we should probably send someone to Orlando to help out. 

Sun: I've been mulling that one over, Mercury. I think I'm going to have to be the one to go. Florida is the Sunshine State and what they need is some warmth and light right now.

Mercury: Saturn did offer to go, sir. Or he sort of did.

Sun: Which is exactly why I'm going. It's not the place for Saturn; we don't need to remind anyone about the brevity of human life. They got an abject lesson in that this week. And Lady Moon is seriously fucked up right now and I can't blame her. The last place I want to go now is Orlando, but I have to go and see what I can do to help.

Mercury: I understand, sir. Can I help you out?

Sun: Yes. I'll need a halfway decent room for at least a week, maybe more. I'll leave instructions for Lady Moon; she'll be in charge once she comes out in my absence.

Mercury: Piece of cake, sir. Anything else?

Sun: Nothing. Was that it from Saturn?

Mercury: Of course not. Standard complaints about millennials, overpriced restaurants, hotel room beds, and John's lack of a blog since his blogging anniversary.

Sun: So the standard shit, then.

Mercury: Yes, that's about it, sir. 

Sun: Good. Take care of the travel arrangements quickly, please. I'll finish up a few odds and ends, and I've already asked Venus to help Lady Moon if she can. Mainly it's to keep Luna off social media for a while; seeing the stories just makes her more and more depressed. I need to go pack.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I'll have your arrangements within the hour.

Sun: Get a room for yourself, too. You're coming with me and be prepared: you're going to be talking to a lot of people.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I can be ready to go in an hour. 

Sun: Good. Dismissed. See you here in 60 minutes.