Sunday, June 19, 2016

Birthday Greetings to Amy Lyre from Mercury!

Dear Perilously Unfunny Astrology Blogger,

I've taken over this blog today because I just feel like you don't comprehend what I'm about. It seems the only time I get to make an appearance her is when I'm in retrograde and you're shamelessly using me to drive traffic to this blog. So you can chill over there for a minute while I drive. 

You have not one, not two, but THREE very special people in your everyday life who are Mercury-ruled. One of them, Amy Lyre Turner, is having a birthday today. And you have to go and say you're not going to make any jokes about Geminis today of all days?

The simple fact: That's not a logical thing to say, dude. Honestly, I don't think you're intellectually capable of understanding the true power of Mercury. Why would you poke fun at the person who could skewer you in a heartbeat and not even give a tenth of a fuck? 

While I wouldn't want to tell you how to do your JOB, "aspiring comedian/astrologer", here's a hint: Look up Capricorn moon and Scorpio rising again, moron. This woman is NOT your standard fluffy bunny Gemini!

Amy wasn't in class the last time you taught Mercury, and that's a positive...for you. A number of the things you said were overheard by your Virgo sister. Did you think that was SMART? That's some serious blackmail material there, man. Just wait until the crows come home to roost.

I know you love playing "kick the Gemini" but you have two additional Virgo people who would verbally incinerate you if pressed to defend their Mercury sister's honor. They're showing incredible restraint that I sure wouldn't exercise. And you happen to share a bed with one of them, who WRITES for a LIVING. You may not be smart, but you are brave, or foolhardy, as the case may be. 

Because you lack the intellectual capacity of the dead spiny dogfish in formaldehyde waiting to be dissected by a class of high school biology students, I'm going to make the sensible, logical choice to wish Amy Lyre an extremely happy birthday! I'm so proud of all that you've been able to accomplish, Amy; your poetry is beautiful, and you spend your career counseling others. I swear I'd be tearing up right now if I was emotional at all. But since I'm not...I'm uh...not. Tearing up that is. But you probably picked up on that already. You're much quicker on the uptake than a certain "student astrologer" I happen to know. 

Anyway, that's it. I think you need some more work on your astrological planets. While I can't actually keep you from saying things that are downright stupid, I had to come out and defend my peeps. 

The fact is that you're outnumbered and verbally outgunned, you cretin. So take your idiotic, trite, abusive, nasty, pointed Gemini jabs and save them for someone who has fucks to give.

Communicatively yours, 


PS: I meant what I said the last time I took over this blog. You're still a jerkface in addition to everything else. I wanted to make sure you knew. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Letters from Saturn: Requesting Assistance

Mercury: Sir, sorry to just drop in...I tried to call for an appointment...

Sun: [waves him into the office and closes Erin Condren planner] Come in, Mercury. Once Lady Moon heard about Orlando, she's been totally inconsolable. Hasn't left her room since she heard...

Mercury: I hear you, sir. But I thought I should bring this to your attention. I was coming in to discuss the transfer of John's Cincinnati trips over to me, but I was out getting the mail and I noticed this letter addressed to you. Looks like one of Saturn's "dispatches" from his retrograde journeys. 

Sun: I was wondering when he was going to report in. [Goes to open envelope] Do I need to ask why the seal is broken?

Mercury: Well, sir...

Sun: [holds up a hand] Don't bother lying, Mercury, because you suck at it. You already opened it. 

Mercury: Of course I did, sir. And I'm prepared to brief you on the contents.

Sun: [SIGH] At least you have your uses, Merc. But we don't need to have the talk about privacy again, do we?

Mercury: Well, Lady Moon needs to stop leaving her machine unlocked, sir, and there wouldn't be a problem. Though I will admit the underwear she ordered were a gorgeous blue color. I was surprised at the size, though...and the prices were totally ridiculous!

Sun: Merc, I swear I will change the Wifi password again if you breathe a word to anyone else that you haven't already told, assuming you didn't blog about it or something. 

Mercury: I understand, sir. 

Sun: So give me the brief and then put the letter on the desk, unless you've already made a copy.

Mercury: My memory is excellent, sir. I don't need a copy.

Sun: Ummm...good to know. Pushing forward...

Mercury: Yes, sir. His main points were basically to say that his journey is going satisfactorily, and that he's enjoying the break from social media. 

Sun: Wait a second. Saturn doesn't DO social media!

Mercury: Actually, sir, he's discovered Quora, and he likes being able to go on there answer questions for people. He details his trip to Fort Knox and his quest to find a decently-priced Internet cafe at the times that he wants one, which is "almost never".

Sun: That's right...Saturn never got a cell phone and won't pay for a data plan. I'll give him credit for being thrifty but these days the Internet cafe is in your pocket. What was the postmark?

Mercury: Seattle, sir. He was sitting in on some leadership training out there, or some such, for some big business meeting.

Sun: I see. Anything else of import?

Mercury: He said we should probably send someone to Orlando to help out. 

Sun: I've been mulling that one over, Mercury. I think I'm going to have to be the one to go. Florida is the Sunshine State and what they need is some warmth and light right now.

Mercury: Saturn did offer to go, sir. Or he sort of did.

Sun: Which is exactly why I'm going. It's not the place for Saturn; we don't need to remind anyone about the brevity of human life. They got an abject lesson in that this week. And Lady Moon is seriously fucked up right now and I can't blame her. The last place I want to go now is Orlando, but I have to go and see what I can do to help.

Mercury: I understand, sir. Can I help you out?

Sun: Yes. I'll need a halfway decent room for at least a week, maybe more. I'll leave instructions for Lady Moon; she'll be in charge once she comes out in my absence.

Mercury: Piece of cake, sir. Anything else?

Sun: Nothing. Was that it from Saturn?

Mercury: Of course not. Standard complaints about millennials, overpriced restaurants, hotel room beds, and John's lack of a blog since his blogging anniversary.

Sun: So the standard shit, then.

Mercury: Yes, that's about it, sir. 

Sun: Good. Take care of the travel arrangements quickly, please. I'll finish up a few odds and ends, and I've already asked Venus to help Lady Moon if she can. Mainly it's to keep Luna off social media for a while; seeing the stories just makes her more and more depressed. I need to go pack.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I'll have your arrangements within the hour.

Sun: Get a room for yourself, too. You're coming with me and be prepared: you're going to be talking to a lot of people.

Mercury: Yes, sir. I can be ready to go in an hour. 

Sun: Good. Dismissed. See you here in 60 minutes. 

Tuesday, May 31, 2016

Metaphysical Meanderings Marks A Milestone: Five Years of Blogging!

Five years of blogging, good people. Five. Fucking. Years. DAMN!

Who would have thought that I'd still be at this? I'll admit that I am a stubborn bastard when I choose to be, so maybe I did know. 

Ladies and gentlemen, let me assure you that blogging is not an easy task. Trust me on this one. You go through phases with it. There are a few that I can qualify, such as:

  • The "Do people really care what I have to say?" phase;
  • The "Is there anyone out there really reading this crap?" phase; and
  • The ever-popular "What is the reason I spend so much time doing this?" phase.

Not unlike the 5 stages of grief, you can go through these different phases more than once and it can last for varying periods of time. The charts, the readings, the myriad of video games, and life itself all call to me regularly. When I step away from the blog for a while, it's kind of easy to say, "Maybe I'll just stop."

If you've been a reader here for any length of time, you know that Saturn and I have a very strange relationship. Saturn is the planet of long-term efforts over time, and astrology itself is a Saturnian discipline for that reason. He was one of the primary motivators for me as I started to write this blog. But sometimes he does a number on me.

Luckily, when I got to a place of considering stopping altogether, I got feedback and encouragement from a number of places. My beloved Jennifer suggested that I start doing this, and my devoted family of choice reads the blog and supports me unwaveringly. I'm extremely grateful to have these four ladies in my life to help keep me grounded and writing. It's an incredible privilege that I hope to continue to deserve.

And all of you good people reading this deserve my sincere thanks as well, whether you just started reading me or you've been at it for a while. 

When you make a comment or interact with this blog in any way, it is truly and sincerely appreciated. This includes those who re-tweet my blog, comment on it directly here on Blogger or on FaceBook, or recommend it to others. When you do that, you are encouraging me by your very actions.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the people who have said nice things to me personally about the blog: That they enjoy it; that they learn a thing or two; that they found it funny; or even that they disagreed with it. By doing so, you have shown me respect just by taking the time to read my prose, and then to tell me what you think. 

When I hear comments from readers, like when they tell me that they forward my blog to the people at their office, for example, or that they thought something I wrote hit close to home for them, it makes me want to sit down and write some more. It causes me to re-think my positions and perspective. And it challenges me to "raise my game" to attain and maintain your attention.

The original intention of this blog was to get me writing so I could eventually publish a book. While the book hasn't materialized yet, your enthusiasm and encouragement lift and guide me. 389 blogs and nearly 80K page views later, while its original intent was to get me writing, it has transformed into something beautiful, something that I can be proud of. 

While the "solar return" of this blog is Sunday the 28th at 11:14pm, the date I started this blog was May 29, 2011. Without realizing it until today--REALLY!--tomorrow is the birthday of a person with whom I identify tremendously: President John F. Kennedy. And he had a very Saturn quote in his inaugural address:

"I do not shrink from this responsibility; I welcome it!"

I hope to continue to fulfill that responsibility to both myself and all of you through this blog.

Please know that I cannot thank you enough for your past and (hopefully) continued support moving forward. I look forward to seeing you virtually, or in person across my table, very soon. 

A thousand thanks,


Saturday, May 28, 2016

Here Comes the Sun: The Secret Revealed!

Greetings, John...

This week has been a little bit trying up here with many of my folks trying to figure out what secret you're keeping. Well, my friend, the simple fact of the matter is that your secret was hidden in plain sight all along. Mercury is going to be wicked pissed when he finds out, but it's good for the boss to win every once in a while.

All of us up here have different cycles. My Luna was the inspiration for the word "month" as it only takes her 28.4 days to get through all 12 zodiac signs. Pluto, on the other hand, takes over 200 years to make it through all the signs. Sadly, that means that you won't see many movements of Pluto in your lifetime. But you do get to see my Luna's full motion once a month, with her lovely new and full moons to keep track of her. 

I have a very predictable movement, and people focus on me to note the changing of the seasons. And that is how I ultimately tracked down your "secret". By my calculations, your fifth solar return for your blog is tonight at 11:14pm when the Sun reaches 8 Gemini 11. 

In non-astrological terms, it means that you're closing in on your 5th anniversary of starting this blog. Knowing you, 11:14pm is exactly when this blog will appear. 

As I check the chart for the date and time you started this blog back in 2011, I noticed that you have the Moon and Jupiter, the planet of publishing, 6th house. To me, that highlighted the "routine" nature that this blog would become. It was something you wanted to do regularly, even though certain astrological planets who will currently remain nameless would have preferred a more predictable schedule.

I'm sure you've got an entry planned regarding the chart and the solar return for your next year of blogging, so I won't say anything else on that front. Your expertise has significantly improved so I'm sure you'll have a lot to say. 

By my count, this will be blog #388. So you're averaging about 78 blogs a year, and that translates to about one every 4-5 days. That's pretty damn good! 

Anyway, your work speaks for itself. I would like to take this opportunity to congratulate you on five years of bringing your message to others. Know that all of us here appreciate your efforts. OK, honestly, some of us appreciate your efforts more than others, but we all appreciate you to a certain extent.

This is a huge accomplishment, John. Really! I'm so incredibly proud of you and expect that you'll continue to bring your message to the masses. 


The Sun

Saturn Sounds Off on "Secret"

Dear John,

I congratulate you on pushing the buttons of most of my colleagues. They're waiting with bated breath to hear what your secret is. It just goes to prove how shallow they are, and how they all wish they were more like me. But I digress.

I've refrained from giving you my opinion on this topic because, quite frankly, I'm on the road and I just don't have the time or energy to waste on it. With Mercury just returning, I also don't necessarily trust the world of the interwebs to get this to you, although I hope it will arrive.

You've known me your whole life, even when you didn't know it was me. The rest of them? Well, they don't have the pull with you that I do. Yeah, that may vex them slightly, but it's the truth. They all have their arguments--Mercury is the most elevated; Mars is the almuten, although that designation depends on who you ask; and the Sun is well, the Sun. But I've been gently, patiently guiding you toward true wisdom. Maybe I should repeat "patiently" again; your Scorpio stubbornness has been clearly evident.

My simple point is this: Tell us your secret. Or don't. I don't care. I refuse to get caught up in the drama that you have caused. If it turns out that you did something worthy of my congratulations, well...then I will undoubtedly extend them.

Unfortunately, I've got no further time to waste on this "secret" business, as other matters require my attention.



Friday, May 27, 2016

Venus Speaks Out Against Strife and Discord

Dear John,

I was thrilled being the "star" of your astrology class last night! And it seemed like even though it was a "class", people were comfortable and had a good time. In the end, that's what counts, right?

And thank the Goddess it's FRIDAY! I know you're looking forward to a long weekend! :)

Your decision has caused a lot of...discord, shall we say? Yes, discord. Mercury's distracted, waiting around for news. Jupiter just sits around drafting press releases. It's kind of sad.

Anyway, I really would like you to tell me your secret. I don't want to make you uncomfortable but I just feel like holding it in isn't...well, comfortable at all. It's good news, right? It feels GOOD to share good news. And I'd like to share it with you. One of the best parts of life is sharing your good news with people who care--your loved ones. And I'm sure I speak for all of them when I say please please please with pure sugar on top--none of that fake sugar crap!--could you let us in on it?



Thursday, May 26, 2016

Jovial Jabs from Jupiter

Dear John,

This whole "secret" angle you've got going on is against everything I believe in. You want to be open and honest with people, right? Well, honest people don't keep secrets, especially not when it's good news.

I'm prepared to take it on faith that your news IS good if you're doing such an excellent job of keeping everyone in the dark. But why? What is your ultimate goal?

Anyway, this scenario just seems like a poorly thought out, short-term attempt to boost your numbers, and while I like the philosophy, the execution sucks.

And the secret is rumored to be "good" why is it still a secret? I don't get you, unless the news is bad bad. Forget what I just said...I still don't get it. 

If your ultimate goal is to get more readers, then by all means screw the rest of these planets, especially the malefics! I mean come on...who really wants to hear about Mars and his fits of temper and ever-present erections, or Saturn and his depressed demeanor that make watching commercials for anti-depressants for hours on end seem like a good time? Maybe we can keep Venus around, and I should really be more of a star. Mercury gets too much ink here as well; little fucker can never stay direct long enough anyway. 

Speaking of Mercury, he has been texting everyone non-stop since this whole thing started and it's starting to get on everyone's nerves. We always have to brace ourselves for his return and you're really making it harder on us up here. So fuck you very much! 

Who's there for you every single week of astrology college? I was. And I was there for your wedding return was less than a month from that special occasion. All those lucky breaks you've had? That was me. So I've been there for you, man. I'm asking for this one favor, and I won't even give you the false promise that I won't tell anyone.

Did you catch that? I value you so much that I'll tell you up front that I will tell every single motherfucker in creation about your news when I find out what it is. I won't lie to you and say I'll keep your secret, and let it slip, like Mercury, or help you keep secrets, like Lady Moon. Oh no...with me it's full disclosure. I'll treat you with dignity. Which of the other astrological planets can say THAT?

In closing, I'll just remind you that I'm the planet of abundance, and I have blessed you abundantly. If you'd like an abundance of scrotal pimples, hornets' nests by your front door, or travel difficulties on your trip out west this fall, by all means continue to deny me that information.