Tuesday, February 2, 2016

On to Cincinnati: Postmortem

Sun: OK everyone, I've called this meeting to get information about John's astrology weekend. Jupiter, you can finish your story another time!

Jupiter: Yes, sir. 

Venus: I'd like to start, sir. 

Sun: Yes, Lady Venus. Please do.

Venus: From an enjoyment perspective, John had a wonderful time. He met many new friends--all of them women--and felt at home at the school.

Neptune: Next time there needs to be more drinking. 

Venus: Nep, I wasn't really done yet. 

Neptune: Shit. Sorry...go on.

Venus: Anyway, I know he's really excited for the April trip to the school for a classical astrology weekend. But I believe that's all I have.

Sun: Who's next?

Saturn: I'll go, sir. The weekend was well-structured. There was a little too much "social time" for my taste but I've come to accept that part of these functions is [looks at Uranus]..."networking".  And during the lessons nary a negative comment was cast in my direction! It's a shame this blog can't be more like the school. Anyway, was I a more vocal planet I might have said "Hooray!", but...well, you all know why I didn't.

Mars: Because you're a stodgy old bastard who wouldn't know a good time if it bit him on his sagging, wrinkled scrotum?

Saturn: Mars! That will do! 

Sun: You know better than to engender Saturnian disappointment, Mars. [frowns] 

Mars: [laughing] I'll go next, sir. John participated a lot in all the classroom exercises. He didn't hit the gym but I'll get on him to do that ASAP; he had so much going on this weekend that he didn't have time.

Mercury: Mars is right. John's schedule was packed. To make up for all the trouble he had getting there, I made sure there was no weather or traffic for the ride home. It was just as well that a tractor trailer blocked his way on the way there, because when John came back he realized how mountainous that route would have been and in the snow he never would have made it. Again, totally my fault...I didn't give him that information. 

Sun: Speaking of things that are your fault, I received a report this morning that one of John's classmates is sitting on the runway at the airport waiting to go on a business trip. Care to comment on that?

Mercury: Oh shit! Was that the mechanical problem that just came into my email? 

Sun: Yes, that's the one. I thought your storm was over, Merc. 

Mercury: It IS, sir. Really. 

Sun: That lady needs to get to LA! Take care of it, Merc. Now. You are dismissed. 

Mercury [standing up]: Yes, sir. I think that's all I had. 

Moon: Sir, if I may...

Sun: Of course, Luna. What did you find out?

Moon: The class bonded very well. There seems to be a real connection and a lot of nurturing. I was in Libra for the beginning of the weekend and that made it a lot easier. Everyone bonded quickly before I moved into Scorpio, and I'm glad because I can really be cranky there. 

Sun: Anyone else?

Pluto: World domination. 

Sun: I beg your pardon, Pluto?

Pluto: John brought up the theme of world domination when it came to me and my influence this weekend, and I just LOVED it. The instructor for the weekend was a Scorpio and one of his regular teachers sat in the back near him, and she's a Scorp too. So it may only be the one class, but it's a step on the way to world domination.

Jupiter: What would be the point of that, Pluto?

Pluto: Because then you could do whatever the fuck you wanted, and the first thing I'd do is nuke these meetings. No offense intended, sir, but there it is.

Sun: Pluto, if I got offended often I'd never get anything done. Anything else? Jove?

Jupiter: Just a great weekend overall, sir. It's nice to get away to a different city, and it's also wonderful to get someone else's "philosophy" on dealing with us, if you will. I am disappointed, however, that John didn't get to the casino that was 11 minutes from his hotel. 11 minutes, I tell you! He could've gone after dinner Saturday night...he got back to his room around 8:30!

Venus: Jupiter, he needed to sleep, not gamble. I'm sure it would have been fun, but likely he saved money by NOT going. Remember, "Jupiter promises..."

Jupiter: I know, I know..."and Saturn pays." But you can't win if you don't play.

Sun: We can talk about that idea another time, Jove. Besides, you're in retrograde in Virgo right now, so that's not the best time to be throwing the dice. Thanks for your report. Uranus? Surely you have something to add. 

Uranus: John learned an awful lot about me, considering I was the main focus of the weekend. And it was a great one! Lots of new, innovative things for John to look at and try in his own practice.

Sun: Fantastic. Sounds like the weekend was a success. Alibis? [silence] Well, thanks everyone for your attendance. Jupiter, I expect you'll be out for a bit?

Jupiter: Yes, sir. Heading for New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Neptune's going to be there with me...he's the REAL King of Mardi Gras. 

Sun: Well I would tell you two to stay out of trouble but I'm not naive enough to think that anything I say will get through. So go have a good time and try not to cause too many problems, OK?

Neptune: I was off in my own world, sir. What did you say?

Sun: [closes his Erin Condren planner, chuckling] Never mind, Nep. We're adjourned. 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

On to Cincinnati, Day 1

Sun: Come in, Saturn. Have a seat.

Saturn: I thought this was a private meeting, sir. [sits down]

Sun: As you can see, Saturn, it isn't. Since this is a long-distance trip that isn't routine for John, I asked Jupiter to be here. Mercury is the briefer, assuming he's prepared after his retrograde. Merc, are you up to this?

Mercury: Yes, sir. Ready to go. 

Sun: You may fire when ready. 

Mercury: Our favorite blogger made it to Cincinnati in one piece, although it wasn't a smooth ride. He left VA on time but hit some nasty weather in western Maryland, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania; it seems he hit snow squalls regularly and it really bogged him down. I'm estimating a total delay time of 60-90 minutes to his final destination, actually.

Jupiter: Sounds like a great adventure!

Mercury: I'm not sure John saw it that way, at least at first. He got some bad intel on his GPS and was led onto backcountry roads during a snowstorm, which is totally my fault. It caused at least some of the delay today, and to be fair, I'm still in my own storm for two more days.

Sun: That's right...you are. What did he do?

Mercury: John successfully navigated these back roads for two miles before the traffic came to a complete stop over a hill where there were flashing police lights. A kind person traveling the other way told John that a tractor trailer had jackknifed over the hill and had been sitting there for 45 minutes already. John analyzed the given information and decided he couldn't be late for his Columbus appointment, so he turned around and re-routed to a major interstate where the conditions were MUCH better. That's a win for him with my help.

Sun: Your bias is showing, Merc. 

Saturn: It was his determination to meet his obligations that drove him to make that decision, Mercury. The information was a nice bonus but he'd have come to that conclusion anyway.

Mercury: I'm sorry, Saturn, but I can't agree with you there. 

Jupiter: I was prepared to call it "wisdom".

Sun: We can sort out the finer points of whose influence was most involved later, gentlemen. Jupiter, you already take most of the credit for this trip with the classroom learning and since you're sharing that with Mercury, I think we can allow Saturn's influence on the wrong turn at least in part.

Saturn: Thank you, sir. I put that entire obstacle in his way and he took the long view. So that's mostly me. But I appreciate the help, Merc. 

Sun: [SIGH] Anything to add, Mercury, before I end this meeting?

Mercury: Just that John learned a ton about his own chart and his classmates. There was lots of fun discussion and lots of learning. I know he's looking forward to tomorrow. 

Sun: The man needs a good night's rest before tomorrow, as do I. Thanks to all of you for your comments and feedback. Saturn, in this case you can take credit for the obstacle and John's determination, but that's about it. We're done here. 

Monday, January 25, 2016

Mercury Goes Direct: And There Was MUCH Rejoicing!

Ladies and gentlemen, Mercury is going direct very soon here in Northern VA. And there was MUCH rejoicing! YAAAAAY!

OK, so we shouldn't hold the party right yet...give it until next Monday when Mercury gets back up to full speed. That should also be about the time when those of us who were just walloped by that bastard Jonas are able to dig out of our driveways. But negative effects are still possible through Sunday night. 

Speaking of getting out, I'm heading for Cincinnati on Friday for a weekend session with my classmates at the Midwest School of Astrology. With the possibility of more inclement weather coming, however, it may force me to accelerate my departure from early Friday morning to Thursday afternoon. But I'm a go...I wouldn't miss it! 

I do have some slightly good news to report: Looks like one of the watchwords for this Merc retro for me was "re-purpose". I'm getting a re-furbished iPod classic with 256GB of space and a solid state drive (no moving parts to fail), and my iPod is being cannibalized for parts and getting me a 10% discount. I even get to pick the color myself. Then Jen can have her iPod back and all will be right with the world. Suck it, Mercury! 

For those of you stuck in the snow, take it slow moving the snow and don't hurt yourselves; take Saturn's way rather than Jupiter's this time. Hey he might have a use after all! (I'm sure I'll get a nastygram about that one, but there it is.)

Enjoy the end of this retrograde period. You've earned it! 

Meeting of the Astrological Minds: On to Cincinnati

Sun: OK people, let's get started. Lady Moon, it's great to have you back. And is that a new hairstyle?

Moon: Thank you, sir. It was a rough Christmas, but I'm feeling great in Leo today. And no, it's not a new style, but it's the one I've always looked best in. Lady Venus introduced me to her stylist who knew exactly what I wanted. [Pause] We're all present, sir, with the exception of Mercury and Jupiter. They're both retrograde right now, as you know, so them showing up anyplace predictable is rather...unpredictable.

Sun: Thanks, Lady. Luckily the east coast of the United States has been crippled by a blizzard, which means that it will insulate them from many of the standard Mercury problems when people are going someplace. Any word on power outages, Uranus?

Uranus: Power outages were minimal at best, sir. We've noticed an uptick in the amount of pictures and generalized activity on social media. People have lots of time on their hands when they're not digging out. 

Sun: Excellent. Hopefully I'll be able to help melt some of that pesky snow. We'll see, I guess.

Mars: We'll see who's been going to the gym, right? Shoveling snow is nothing. It's these soft humans who have difficulty moving frozen water from one place to another. For many people it's more of a workout than they've had since the last storm, am I right?

Venus: Mars, not everyone is built like you are. There were several fatalities of people shoveling snow.

Mars: Well, they could be if they put down the Duck Donuts and the beers and got outside more! Seriously! All you need is a fitness and nutrition plan...

Saturn: Are we on that healthy kick again, Mars? Really? Humans don't really care about physical activity and those few who do look like oddballs among the glucose-addicted. So please give it up.

Mars: Sorry, Old Man...we all have our things, am I right?

Sun: Folks, I'm sorry to break up the witty repartee, but is this snowstorm going to keep our intrepid blogger John from heading for astrology college this weekend? He's got a weekend workshop coming up on Friday. 

Saturn: And the Midwest School of Astrology is a Saturn-friendly place, so we want to be absolutely sure he makes it.

Mars: No ego trip there or anything. HAHAHAHA!

Saturn: Young man, they don't like you a lot in some corners, but I'll take every opportunity for the good press.

Mars: I've been around longer than you, pal. You are who you are!

Sun: That will do, gentlemen. Can I get an actual answer?

Pluto: No, sir. No problems to speak of.

Sun: And his car is dug out?

Pluto: Yes it is. Anything that's buried is typically my purview, so I took the opportunity to check. He's mobile, sir. 

Sun: Excellent. Does he have anyplace to go tomorrow?

Pluto: Negative, sir. He's at home tomorrow. 

Venus: Hopefully he's spending some well-deserved time with that lovely wife of his and working on his Erin Condren planner. But I have one report that he's working on some new music playlists...it's a long drive to Cincinnati and he's going alone.

Saturn: I hope some of Duncan Sheik's music makes it on there. It always makes me feel better...

Neptune: Oh, Saturn...you're so funny. That music is so depressing. [PAUSE] Of course, I'm talking to YOU, so...

Saturn: Right, I think you've all made your point. I believe I will withdraw. [gets up to leave]

Sun: Saturn, walk out that door and I will write you up under the astrological code of conduct under "dereliction of duty". [Saturn returns to his seat and sits down] I can't remember when things have been this fractious in meetings, but I'm getting sick of it. It's like some of you planets live to antagonize each other, and I don't get it at all. [PAUSE] Lady Moon, was there anything we missed?

Moon: Nope. I think that takes care of our agenda items. 

Sun: Excellent. Make sure everyone gets a copy of the meeting notes. Saturn, you are now excused. [Saturn gets up and leaves] As for the rest of you, as funny as it sometimes is to make fun of each other, we have a really hard time getting anything done. Since Saturn is normally the target, you need to leave him alone. I know he's an old stick in the mud, old fashioned, and a curmudgeon...the gods know how well I know it. But it's not fair to him to gang up on him in meetings, even if he acts like kind of an asshole. [PAUSE] I want reports on John's trip early next week. We're adjourned. 


Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Mercury Retrograde Sex, Anyone? (NSFW)

OK so I came across this blog and while normally I don't just post links to the blogs of others, this one seemed appropriate for Mercury retrograde...

There aren't any naked pix where you can see anything, but likely you should look at the link in the comfort of your own home. Just sayin'. 

Maybe there will be some suggestions in here for you to enjoy the steamier side of Merc retro. At the very least, you'll get a good laugh out of it.

Not only is this a great article, but I'm constantly looking for ways to irritate Saturn and this is SURE to do it. 

Only a few more days of Merc retro left good people! HANG IN THERE!

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Mercury Retrograde Fuckery: No Matter How You Try...Redux

And the fuckery continues, ladies and gentlemen. The latest victim: my iPod classic.

As you probably recall from my last entry, my iPod experienced some Mercury fuckery as it took an extra few days to get to PA to get repaired. All it needed was a new board so it could sync and get charged again. 

Then I got the email that I didn't expect: "The repair for this device will exceed the cost of a new device." Wait, what?

So it appeared that all was lost, that I was going to be without an iPod until I bought a new one. They don't even make the classic anymore. And while I love Apple devices, money aside, I don't want an iPod touch...all the stuff on it is already on my iPhone or iPod. So I was at a loss. 

My beloved came to the rescue, graciously giving up her iPod classic to replace my own. So all is not lost and this story does have a happy ending. 

Still, thanks, Mercury! Dick. 

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Upcoming Tarot Dates and New Payment Methods!

Hello everyone!

Here are my upcoming tarot dates at 13 Magickal Moons:

Saturday, January 16, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, February 3, 6-9pm (Open Imbolc Ritual)

Saturday, February 13, 11:30am-5:30pm

Saturday, February 27, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, March 2, 6-9pm

Saturday, March 12, 11:30am-5:30pm

Wednesday, March 23, 6-9pm (Open Ostara Ritual)

Saturday, March 26, 11:30am-5:30pm

Also, for readings at the shop, I'm now accepting Apple Pay and Google Pay!

I look forward to seeing you across my table soon, good people!